Me dressed up as St. Therese

With the start of a new month, along comes the job of flipping the calendar pages. As I changed the religious calendar I have hanging on the basement door, I couldn’t help but make note of the fact that October 1st is the feast of St. Therese of the Child of Jesus (aka St. Therese of Lisieux or “The Little Flower“). It made me smile with a memory.

The photo over here on the right? That is me, dressed up as St. Therese. November 1st is All Saints Day, and at least one year while in (basically) bible school, we were encouraged to dress up as our favorite saint. My mom had told me a lot about St. Therese and she was my favorite saint.

Mom made my costume, and she went all out. I was definitely the best dressed of those that dressed up. (Hey, I just call it like I see it.) I still smile at that memory, and I can’t believe I actually found a photo of me in my costume!

Therese was also the saints name I took for my Catholic Confirmation.

That was many, many years ago, and I’ve long since forgotten much of St. Therese’s story. I took last night as my opportunity to research her again. I thought I’d share some of my favorite excerpts from what I read…

“What matters in life,” she wrote, “is not great deeds, but great love.” [Link]

“Instead of being discouraged, I told myself: God would not make me wish for something impossible and so, in spite of my littleness, I can aim at being a saint. It is impossible for me to grow bigger, so I put up with myself as I am, with all my countless faults.” [Link]

Thérèse herself said on her death-bed, “I only love simplicity. I have a horror of pretence” [Link]

The depth of her spirituality, of which she said, “my way is all confidence and love,” has inspired many believers. [Link]

“Love proves itself by deeds, so how am I to show my love? Great deeds are forbidden me. The only way I can prove my love is by scattering flowers and these flowers are every little sacrifice, every glance and word, and the doing of the least actions for love.” [Link]

This weekend’s Gospel was about being fishers of men, and the homily was about how we help one another. With faith that things will work out, we reach out and help our fellow man and as such, we become fisher’s of men in God’s name. That probably isn’t as clear as I mean for it to be, but I think the idea is still there.

A pastor I had through high school pushed using your “time, talents and treasures” to help others. Tonight’s homily made me think of that, and I felt like it went hand in hand with that idea.

I’ve found ideas I have when I’m in church tend to be ones I need to run with… God speaks a little clearer when you’re in a church, after all. I’ve been wanting to write more on faith with a heavier hand toward religion for awhile. After all, writing about it would be using my time, talents and treasures! I really haven’t wanted to do that in this blog, though, and I’ve also felt a lot of fear towards doing it.

However, I’ve decided to start a second blog strictly for my thoughts on God and religion and faith. Like I said, I’ve felt fear about this. It is going to be a big step out of my comfort zone. I’ve sworn for a long time that I wouldn’t talk too much about religion since its so personal to each individual. Its so personal to me, that’s for sure! However, I will strive to keep the blog open and uplifting, but in the same breath be honest and (somewhat) blunt.

It’s a new goal for me! It’ll also be a new challenge… one I am most certainly ready to attempt.

Here we are, 12 days into the new year, and as I talk to friends (or as I skim Facebook) I find that a strong majority of my friends and family are also using 2011 for new beginnings.

I know of at least four weddings this year, if not five. I know of several pregnancies. Friends are also packing up and making big moves. Still others are looking for new jobs. Some have even opted to go back to school.

Everywhere I look, I see everyone with something new… even if its simply a new life motto. It’s almost as if we all took 2010 to try to “fix” things, while 2011 is instead a reboot for us all.

As I look around me, I still see so very many problems in my country and in the world. But I’ve always believed big change happens after individual changes are made. It only takes a spark to start a fire, after all.

And perhaps, instead of trying to fix problems, or instead of looking at the big picture and how “dismal” things are (because, c’mon, last year we looked at the big picture a LOT with government deficits, etc.), if we all just take the initiative to fix things individually and internally, we can start to see some changes to the big picture. Even a forest grows one tree at a time, after all.

I don’t know! Maybe my optimistic self is starting to bounce back these days, but I am really feeling hopeful for this year. Not just for myself, but for all of my friends and family. For everyone who is making changes, no matter how big or how small. Dream your dreams. Make your new goals. Make those crazy changes you’ve been afraid to make. You’ll never know what kind of positive change it could be until you try.

Oh, I know. It had its high points. Other years have stunk, too. January to December is arbitrary start and stop points in the grand scheme of things. Yadda yadda yadda. Doesn’t matter. I look back on 2010 with a scowl on my face. I actually FEEL 30 in a lot of ways. I guess the year aged me to my age for a change. Perhaps that is not such a bad thing, but its also not what you ever want to say.

What made the year so bad you ask? It just felt like an uphill climb the entire time. We lived month to month financially. I became buried in a dark cloud financially that, yes I created, but it was also one that was created at a time when the idea of being able to dig out of it was not far-fetched. Then life happened, and it all came to a head in 2010.

I ended up taking comfort in watching the news and hearing of others right where we are. We at least had family and friends to lean on… we at least had work in general. I was thankful for my blessings, but it was hard to not sink into a stressful depression.

Time and time again, we found ourselves taking one step forward, two steps back. We found ourselves making hard decisions — selling my husband’s truck, canceling services that we realized were a luxury. We definitely learned  the difference between want and need!

And perhaps its within things like that, that I look into 2011 with optimism. We’ve learned hard lessons and picked up new habits that will make big differences for us in the new year. What first felt like the last blow, we are having to move. But now I look on the change with optimism for a clean slate. I, myself, laid a lot of groundwork in my writing and photography. I go into 2011 with optimism professionally, and with hope that changes we’ve made will have a positive effect.

I’ve picked up a motto and belief this year… that its after our greatest failures that our greatest successes are realized. 2010 is one of the hardest years I’ve ever experienced, and its my belief that 2011 will follow with stark contrast of positive strides professionally, financially and even personally.

Week one here.
Week two here.

Week 3: JOY

Somewhere along the way of “growing up,” we lose sight of the joy that this season brings. We get wrapped up in worries about finances, gift giving, making a good impression at Christmas parties, and making sure everyone else is happy. However, the joy of the season is meant for everyone. The old, the young, the rich, the poor… this season isn’t about gifts. It isn’t even really about twinkling lights or sparking diamonds. It’s about being surrounded by those we love. It’s about taking joy from seeing others’ joy. It’s about the sparkle in someones eyes when they see those twinkling lights, falling snow and/or take in the story of Christmas. May we all find joy in what really matters, and may we revel in that all the days of our lives.

You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound.
Psalm 4:7

Last week, I started a focus on Advent. Tonight, I will continue it here:

Week 2: PEACE

“Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.”  Its one of my favorite hymns. I remember one particular Christmas eve night. I was riding the back seat of my parents car, on our way home from midnight mass. It was cold, and the sky was clear. A million stars twinkled above, as we cruised down a small farm-to-market road through the country. I felt so peaceful. I think its a moment in time when I can pinpoint feeling total peace. A shooting star streaked across the sky, and I closed my eyes to make a wish. I don’t remember the wish, but I remember that it didn’t matter if it came true or not. All that mattered was how perfect that night seemed…

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.
John 14:27

This week, my blog has fallen rather inactive. Life’s had us dangling by a string, and I had neither the time or interest in writing for awhile. I guess you could flat out say, I was depressed.

First off, its the end of the year. Money gets incredibly tight right now. This year just seems tighter than normal. It gets you down to see people out Christmas shopping, getting gifts for everyone under the sun, when you’re just hoping you can pay your utility bills.

Through the generosity of family, I think we’re going to make it. We are deeply grateful to have family willing to hold out an open hand when we need it most. There are no words for how grateful we are… It’s going to be okay!

Then, though, the news came that we’re going to have to make some changes in where we live. The reasons are personal to the couple we rent our home from, but we found ourselves having to find a new place to live on a short schedule.

I sent an email out to a friend, who, my gut just told me I should contact. He and his wife are kind of like adopted Nashville parents to us (as well as to many others!). Lo and behold, the next day, he had found a mutual friend who was about to put their home up for rent in the next few days. We went to see it, and less than 24 hours after being given notice, we already had somewhere else to go!

No one could believe how it all fell together so perfectly. We needed somewhere to go the same time our friends needed renters. And they are going to work with us as we juggle finances to make the move. Talk about God working in mysterious ways!!

In the end, we believe this will all end up being a blessing in disguise, despite our stress and lack of good sleep for days on end with worry. We still worry here and there, but over it all is a deep gratitude. To our families for their help. To our friends for looking out for us. (Several already volunteering to help us move!) And to God for putting it all together. It’s His plan, and we’re just trying to navigate through it as best we can, living on the faith that everything happens for a reason, and that it will all work out in the end.

The temperature has dropped, and we had a lovely Thanksgiving. Now I look for houses lit up. I have dug out my Christmas socks, and I’m already planning what to wear to various Christmas events. I have all but two of my Christmas gifts ordered, and I can’t wait to start sneaking Christmas music in here and there.

I’ve decorated the inside of my house as much as we ever decorate. I plan to convince my husband to help me put the lights up outside tomorrow. We have a tree decorating party on Monday, and the Nashville Christmas Parade is Friday. My Christmas cards have arrived, and I hope to get them addressed and in the mail in the next week or two.

Its time. Time for the holidays. I’m sure my spirit of the season will grow as I go along.

As I’ve mentioned in here before, I am Catholic, and my faith is important to me. I don’t post very often about it, opting to keep my blog topics neutral (in general). However, tomorrow is the first Sunday of Advent. As such, the next four Saturdays, I want to end my post with a little reflection for each week leading up to Christmas.

Week 1: HOPE

Hope. Something that I hold on to with both hands every day. Hope for things to improve in one way or another. Hope for peace. Hope for understanding. Hope for forgiveness. Hope for life eternal. Hope for a safe, healthy, happy, beautiful Christmas to come.

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.
Psalms 31:24

Ten years ago, I was a sophomore in college at Temple College. (Yeah, I was a transfer student to Texas A&M, but I bled maroon from birth.) I’d, luckily, already figured out that I didn’t know everything. I used to joke that at 18 I went blonde literally and figuratively. I’d colored my dark blonde/light brown hair to a bright blonde, and around that same time I felt like I went “stupid.”

Perhaps a big part of that was the fact that I had, thanks to exam exemptions through high school, forgotten how to take tests and, beyond that, I had a general “whatever” attitude regarding my grades in school. They wouldn’t transfer as A’s anyway, so why bother?

Herein lies something I’d tell my going-on-20-self: Just because you might not get to keep credit for a job well done, its no excuse to not do your best. Give everything you do your all. If you give everything your all, you’ll always either succeed with greatness or fail miserably, but you’ll be able to solidly stand behind what you did either way. Giving anything only half-yourself, you’ll always wonder if you could have done better. If you could have been the best of the best as opposed to just running with the crowd.

But, as I said, I knew I didn’t know it all, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t think I had it all figured out. See, I knew I would soon be going to Texas A&M and would graduate with a degree in journalism. I also knew I’d some day live in Nashville, TN. I knew I’d one day throw myself towards the dream of writing a book. I got all those things right on the money!

However, I didn’t know my husband yet. I didn’t know I’d be a “musicians widow.” I didn’t know I’d grow disillusioned by the newspaper business. I didn’t know I could actually enjoy working for my parents bookkeeping and tax business. I didn’t know I’d get myself deep in debt. I didn’t know I’d at any point in life feel unsure of myself. I didn’t know I’d end up a cat person. I didn’t know I’d this deeply wish I’d studied photography. I didn’t know that the path I dreamt of could ever change direction and course… and that I’d actually be more than okay with that fact.

With every thing I didn’t know, I’ve learned a lesson and grown. There is one thing I can say for certain: I don’t have a clue what to expect in the next ten years. If I could tell my 20-year-old self another thing, it wouldn’t be all those details I listed. It would simply be: Keep your goals and your dreams alive and chase them with all your might, but know that nothing is guaranteed except for the many twists and turns along the way towards those dreams.

See, at 20, I was career woman extraordinaire. I had a set path that would take me eventually to NYC for a huge journalism career that would eventually wind around down into Nashville… some day. I would live life in power suits, attending big events, rubbing elbows with all the elite people you’d want to meet.

I’ve traded in my power suits for sweats most days, but I keep a healthy selection of business attire for any number of potential meetings or events. I can say I’ve been blessed to still rub elbows with some of the elite people in the music industry. But I tossed NYC off my list of places to live. I’ve realized I’d not be happy there… I’d love to some day visit, but I don’t think it would fit me to live there.

I have a much more down to Earth view of myself. So in the next 10 years, my goals are for us to have a beautiful family, be as debt-free as possible, and to make a solid living with my writing and photography while my husband continues to tickle the ivories for a living. Those are sensible goals and dreams, leaving plenty of opportunity to chase any number of possibilities as they come along the way. Leaving myself room for adventure, learning and growth.

So to my 20 year old self and my 30 year old self: keep the dream, but realize you might not get there along the exact path you think… you’ll get there along the path you’re meant to take, complete with joys, sadness, successes and failures. Embrace that fact, and simply LIVE.

Love, Luck, Living

The phrase “to thine own self be true” has grown to have more and more meaning for me lately. I am quickly learning not to apologize for following my own heart and doing what is best for ME.

Believe it or not, I think this is a fairly hard concept for people to grasp. I’ve said for years that we live in an “all about me” world; one filled with everyone wanting someone else to take the blame for mistakes or everyone wanting to take credit for successes. (I even blame this mentality for the fact that no one uses turn signals anymore!)

However, when it comes to our personal lives and pursuing our heart’s desires, I think so many fall down. We accept that we’re going to fail at our dreams, so why try? Or, almost worse, someone else thinks we should do something else, so to make that person happy, we follow their dreams for us. In other words, we live to make someone else happy. Be it a boss, or a parent, or a friend, or a sibling. Perhaps its a craving for approval that sends so many down this path of unhappiness for self.

I’ve been following the recent upheaval in the college conferences for the last week. Being an Aggie, my concerns are completely focused on what Texas A&M will do when all the dust settles. I am finding that it comes down to one of two things: does A&M go with Texas wherever they go to keep that rivalry alive, or does A&M do its own thing.

Now, I am the biggest fan of traditions. I always believe that we should honor our past, because it has gotten us where we are today. Traditions add an element of stability in an otherwise tumultuous world. Texas A&M thrives on traditions. Our biggest one is probably the rivalry with Texas. Our War Hymn focuses on it. Growing up in Texas, you were either a Longhorn or an Aggie. End of sentence. Those other schools, the ones you might go to when you graduate high school, really didn’t matter. You were still either an Aggie or a Longhorn.

So why is it I sit here today thinking… I would really love to see A&M take its own stance. For the last few days I’ve said, “I’d love to see A&M go to the SEC, but I want the rivalry with Texas to remain alive more.” And I do want that rivalry to continue forward! But as I read the reviews of the changes. As I look at all the cards on the table. My gut screams for A&M to take its own stance. Go the SEC. Take a chance at being greater than, “Texas’ little sister in College Station.” We’ve always held ourselves to a higher standard, and we’ve always claimed to be our own man. Now is our chance to show that to the world.

Perhaps I feel it that strongly, because I find myself at this crossroads myself. And I’ve already chosen the path less traveled.

It’s not a secret. I’ve said it before in here. I’ve said it to friends and family. My husband and I have been financially strapped for awhile now. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at job sites, or how many times I’ve lain awake at night thinking I should just go find the first job offered to me. That thought always gives me a sad pause, because I know my dreams. I know my goals. And I know giving in to the path of least resistance is not the way to make those dreams happen. Choosing the quick fix doesn’t take care of my family down the road, nor does it make me truly happy.

Things are looking up

So, I have opted to run forward with my dreams full speed, and as a result I find those dreams running ahead of me. I’m just trying to keep up!

Anyone who has been on my blog on the last couple of days may have noticed a few glitches. Its because I’ve moved my blog to its own domain name (http://www.musicianswidow.com) and, as a friend said, “You’re a brand now!” I guess I am! I’m super excited about all the possibilities that lay ahead of me within all of this.  I’ve also found my confidence in my design work, and its no longer a case of me admitting what I can’t do. Its a case of me saying, “I can figure that out. Lets do it!”

The other night, I was writing an email out to a friend. A “what are you up to?” kind of thing. And as I talked about my dreams and goals, they no longer felt so far away. They felt like they were right here with me. I’m ON that path! I felt an excitement and joy professionally that I’ve not felt in far too long.

I’ve run into people lately that I’ve had the distinct impression weren’t happy with my choice to strike out on my own. I didn’t fit the mold they had imagined for me. Or perhaps I’m just realizing how very pessimistic some people can be. Either way, I walked away from my interactions with these people holding on to an even more determined stance.

I refuse to apologize to anyone for striking out on my own. I refuse to fit someone else’s mold.

I am the best possible me. And at the end of the day, that’s all I can and want to be.