Musician's Widow

Yesterday, I took the picture on the right and posted it on Twitter with the caption that these are three things that bring me joy: My husband, coffee and Texas A&M University.

I think asked my followers for three things that make them happy. I only got a few responses, but they were all great!

They were:

SadieCass
@niseag03 My camera, my characters (writing), my family. #joy

AggieAnne04
@niseag03 Max, Chris, and leaves on the trees again. :)

AllyInLA
@niseag03 Cupcakes. My dog. And vacations.

LOVE all of those answers!

As I finished my work day, I kept chewing on my own answer. Things that bring me joy. Just thinking about it brought me joy!!

So I have to share even more things that bring me joy… I can never list ALL the things, but I can sure as heck list more than three!

65 Things that Bring me Joy (In no particular order and certainly not a complete list!)

1. My husband
2. Coffee
3. Texas A&M
4. My parents
5. All of my family
6. My nephew’s determination
7. That message I saved on my phone where my niece says she loves me
8. Dr. Pepper
9. Texas
10. Nashville
11. Music
12. Sunshine
13. My cat
14. God
15. Rainfall
16. Cooking
17. Writing
18. Photography
19. My friends
20. Babies
21. Weddings
22. Pedicures
23. Fields
24. Lakes
25. Taking a drive in the country
26. Facebook
27. Laughter
28. Seeing others find their joy
29. Page design
30. Pasta
31. Beer
32. The Grand Ole Opry
33. My life
34. Flying
35. Cameron Yoemen
36. Peanut Butter
37. Chocolate
38. Twitter
39. Holidays
40. Reading
41. Helping others
42. A job well done
43. History
44. My truck
45. My degree
46. Pizza
47. Aggie Muster
48. Words With Friends
49. Bluebonnets
50. Sushi
51. Toe socks
52. Blogging
53. Cookies
54. Being responsible
55. My cowboy boots
56. Snow
57. Barbecue
58. My wedding ring
59. Printer’s Alley
60. Getting a letter in the mail
61. Flowers
62. Concerts
63. Aggieland
64. Red roses
65. Love

Now it’s your turn… what are some of the things that bring YOU joy.

When you throw a rock into a body of water, waves ripple out from that point. That one disturbance can have an effect on something far away, something seemingly unrelated.

I haven’t written anything about the Arizona shooting last week, primarily because I was “off line” and “out of touch” through it. I followed a little but about it via Twitter on my phone, but on a whole… I was pretty clueless until the last few days.

My heart goes out to those who lost loved ones that day — even the shooter’s parents, who, essentially, lost their son, too. The ripple of grief goes far and wide to family and friends of those victims.

Those injured, some still lying in hospital beds, will have long lasting scars from the events, and their friends and family too are worried, saddened, but also filled with hope for recovery.

We as Americans are left to wonder how this will effect our government. How will it effect our interactions with others? Will we make positive changes to help others with similar violent tendencies or mental issues?  Or will we keep the status quo and believe we see no evil, hear no evil… until it is too late.

Some of my favorite stories to come out of this tragedy are the ones of positive changes being made by our youth. This news article out of Chicago details out some of those changes and events, all with a nod to the youngest victim of the shooting, nine-year-old Christina Green.

“Students in Tucson have already started Christina’s Challenge, during which they promised to recognize random acts of kindness,” the report says.

There is a ripple of positive going out from this tragedy, and its by our youth. As adults start pointing fingers, blaming politics, guns, and even violent video games, its our youth that show us that perhaps its not by pointing fingers that change is brought. It is instead by finding a positive ray of light to follow. It’s by making positive changes in life that true change is made. Not by pointing fingers and writing new laws. But by holding out a hand to a stranger.

As you may see on the right of the screen, I am a member of the BlogHer network. I received an email today that one of our members was one of those injured in the shooting. You can read the post about the shooting here. BlogHer has also set up a survey asking your thoughts on the shooting and how it will impact you and our democracy (yes, it does address the political angle as well) . Anyone can join in the survey, and you’re invited to do so here. The survey is completely anonymous.

Going into this year, I said time and time again how the new year had to be better than the last. Moving would be forcing us to make big changes, and it would also give us a new place from which to leap into the year.

Here we are, 12 days into the new year, and as I talk to friends (or as I skim Facebook) I find that a strong majority of my friends and family are also using 2011 for new beginnings.

I know of at least four weddings this year, if not five. I know of several pregnancies. Friends are also packing up and making big moves. Still others are looking for new jobs. Some have even opted to go back to school.

Everywhere I look, I see everyone with something new… even if its simply a new life motto. It’s almost as if we all took 2010 to try to “fix” things, while 2011 is instead a reboot for us all.

As I look around me, I still see so very many problems in my country and in the world. But I’ve always believed big change happens after individual changes are made. It only takes a spark to start a fire, after all.

And perhaps, instead of trying to fix problems, or instead of looking at the big picture and how “dismal” things are (because, c’mon, last year we looked at the big picture a LOT with government deficits, etc.), if we all just take the initiative to fix things individually and internally, we can start to see some changes to the big picture. Even a forest grows one tree at a time, after all.

I don’t know! Maybe my optimistic self is starting to bounce back these days, but I am really feeling hopeful for this year. Not just for myself, but for all of my friends and family. For everyone who is making changes, no matter how big or how small. Dream your dreams. Make your new goals. Make those crazy changes you’ve been afraid to make. You’ll never know what kind of positive change it could be until you try.

I think few people would disagree with me when I say this: 2010 STUNK.

Oh, I know. It had its high points. Other years have stunk, too. January to December is arbitrary start and stop points in the grand scheme of things. Yadda yadda yadda. Doesn’t matter. I look back on 2010 with a scowl on my face. I actually FEEL 30 in a lot of ways. I guess the year aged me to my age for a change. Perhaps that is not such a bad thing, but its also not what you ever want to say.

What made the year so bad you ask? It just felt like an uphill climb the entire time. We lived month to month financially. I became buried in a dark cloud financially that, yes I created, but it was also one that was created at a time when the idea of being able to dig out of it was not far-fetched. Then life happened, and it all came to a head in 2010.

I ended up taking comfort in watching the news and hearing of others right where we are. We at least had family and friends to lean on… we at least had work in general. I was thankful for my blessings, but it was hard to not sink into a stressful depression.

Time and time again, we found ourselves taking one step forward, two steps back. We found ourselves making hard decisions — selling my husband’s truck, canceling services that we realized were a luxury. We definitely learned  the difference between want and need!

And perhaps its within things like that, that I look into 2011 with optimism. We’ve learned hard lessons and picked up new habits that will make big differences for us in the new year. What first felt like the last blow, we are having to move. But now I look on the change with optimism for a clean slate. I, myself, laid a lot of groundwork in my writing and photography. I go into 2011 with optimism professionally, and with hope that changes we’ve made will have a positive effect.

I’ve picked up a motto and belief this year… that its after our greatest failures that our greatest successes are realized. 2010 is one of the hardest years I’ve ever experienced, and its my belief that 2011 will follow with stark contrast of positive strides professionally, financially and even personally.

Back in July, I read a post in Living in the Moment called Future Unsure. It really resonated with me, and I bookmarked it so I could some day write my own version of that post. Here I am, just over a month from my 30th birthday, and it seems as good a time as any to tackle that post.

Ten years ago, I was a sophomore in college at Temple College. (Yeah, I was a transfer student to Texas A&M, but I bled maroon from birth.) I’d, luckily, already figured out that I didn’t know everything. I used to joke that at 18 I went blonde literally and figuratively. I’d colored my dark blonde/light brown hair to a bright blonde, and around that same time I felt like I went “stupid.”

Perhaps a big part of that was the fact that I had, thanks to exam exemptions through high school, forgotten how to take tests and, beyond that, I had a general “whatever” attitude regarding my grades in school. They wouldn’t transfer as A’s anyway, so why bother?

Herein lies something I’d tell my going-on-20-self: Just because you might not get to keep credit for a job well done, its no excuse to not do your best. Give everything you do your all. If you give everything your all, you’ll always either succeed with greatness or fail miserably, but you’ll be able to solidly stand behind what you did either way. Giving anything only half-yourself, you’ll always wonder if you could have done better. If you could have been the best of the best as opposed to just running with the crowd.

But, as I said, I knew I didn’t know it all, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t think I had it all figured out. See, I knew I would soon be going to Texas A&M and would graduate with a degree in journalism. I also knew I’d some day live in Nashville, TN. I knew I’d one day throw myself towards the dream of writing a book. I got all those things right on the money!

However, I didn’t know my husband yet. I didn’t know I’d be a “musicians widow.” I didn’t know I’d grow disillusioned by the newspaper business. I didn’t know I could actually enjoy working for my parents bookkeeping and tax business. I didn’t know I’d get myself deep in debt. I didn’t know I’d at any point in life feel unsure of myself. I didn’t know I’d end up a cat person. I didn’t know I’d this deeply wish I’d studied photography. I didn’t know that the path I dreamt of could ever change direction and course… and that I’d actually be more than okay with that fact.

With every thing I didn’t know, I’ve learned a lesson and grown. There is one thing I can say for certain: I don’t have a clue what to expect in the next ten years. If I could tell my 20-year-old self another thing, it wouldn’t be all those details I listed. It would simply be: Keep your goals and your dreams alive and chase them with all your might, but know that nothing is guaranteed except for the many twists and turns along the way towards those dreams.

See, at 20, I was career woman extraordinaire. I had a set path that would take me eventually to NYC for a huge journalism career that would eventually wind around down into Nashville… some day. I would live life in power suits, attending big events, rubbing elbows with all the elite people you’d want to meet.

I’ve traded in my power suits for sweats most days, but I keep a healthy selection of business attire for any number of potential meetings or events. I can say I’ve been blessed to still rub elbows with some of the elite people in the music industry. But I tossed NYC off my list of places to live. I’ve realized I’d not be happy there… I’d love to some day visit, but I don’t think it would fit me to live there.

I have a much more down to Earth view of myself. So in the next 10 years, my goals are for us to have a beautiful family, be as debt-free as possible, and to make a solid living with my writing and photography while my husband continues to tickle the ivories for a living. Those are sensible goals and dreams, leaving plenty of opportunity to chase any number of possibilities as they come along the way. Leaving myself room for adventure, learning and growth.

So to my 20 year old self and my 30 year old self: keep the dream, but realize you might not get there along the exact path you think… you’ll get there along the path you’re meant to take, complete with joys, sadness, successes and failures. Embrace that fact, and simply LIVE.

Love, Luck, Living

The phrase “to thine own self be true” has grown to have more and more meaning for me lately. I am quickly learning not to apologize for following my own heart and doing what is best for ME.

Believe it or not, I think this is a fairly hard concept for people to grasp. I’ve said for years that we live in an “all about me” world; one filled with everyone wanting someone else to take the blame for mistakes or everyone wanting to take credit for successes. (I even blame this mentality for the fact that no one uses turn signals anymore!)

However, when it comes to our personal lives and pursuing our heart’s desires, I think so many fall down. We accept that we’re going to fail at our dreams, so why try? Or, almost worse, someone else thinks we should do something else, so to make that person happy, we follow their dreams for us. In other words, we live to make someone else happy. Be it a boss, or a parent, or a friend, or a sibling. Perhaps its a craving for approval that sends so many down this path of unhappiness for self.

I’ve been following the recent upheaval in the college conferences for the last week. Being an Aggie, my concerns are completely focused on what Texas A&M will do when all the dust settles. I am finding that it comes down to one of two things: does A&M go with Texas wherever they go to keep that rivalry alive, or does A&M do its own thing.

Now, I am the biggest fan of traditions. I always believe that we should honor our past, because it has gotten us where we are today. Traditions add an element of stability in an otherwise tumultuous world. Texas A&M thrives on traditions. Our biggest one is probably the rivalry with Texas. Our War Hymn focuses on it. Growing up in Texas, you were either a Longhorn or an Aggie. End of sentence. Those other schools, the ones you might go to when you graduate high school, really didn’t matter. You were still either an Aggie or a Longhorn.

So why is it I sit here today thinking… I would really love to see A&M take its own stance. For the last few days I’ve said, “I’d love to see A&M go to the SEC, but I want the rivalry with Texas to remain alive more.” And I do want that rivalry to continue forward! But as I read the reviews of the changes. As I look at all the cards on the table. My gut screams for A&M to take its own stance. Go the SEC. Take a chance at being greater than, “Texas’ little sister in College Station.” We’ve always held ourselves to a higher standard, and we’ve always claimed to be our own man. Now is our chance to show that to the world.

Perhaps I feel it that strongly, because I find myself at this crossroads myself. And I’ve already chosen the path less traveled.

It’s not a secret. I’ve said it before in here. I’ve said it to friends and family. My husband and I have been financially strapped for awhile now. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at job sites, or how many times I’ve lain awake at night thinking I should just go find the first job offered to me. That thought always gives me a sad pause, because I know my dreams. I know my goals. And I know giving in to the path of least resistance is not the way to make those dreams happen. Choosing the quick fix doesn’t take care of my family down the road, nor does it make me truly happy.

Things are looking up

So, I have opted to run forward with my dreams full speed, and as a result I find those dreams running ahead of me. I’m just trying to keep up!

Anyone who has been on my blog on the last couple of days may have noticed a few glitches. Its because I’ve moved my blog to its own domain name (http://www.musicianswidow.com) and, as a friend said, “You’re a brand now!” I guess I am! I’m super excited about all the possibilities that lay ahead of me within all of this.  I’ve also found my confidence in my design work, and its no longer a case of me admitting what I can’t do. Its a case of me saying, “I can figure that out. Lets do it!”

The other night, I was writing an email out to a friend. A “what are you up to?” kind of thing. And as I talked about my dreams and goals, they no longer felt so far away. They felt like they were right here with me. I’m ON that path! I felt an excitement and joy professionally that I’ve not felt in far too long.

I’ve run into people lately that I’ve had the distinct impression weren’t happy with my choice to strike out on my own. I didn’t fit the mold they had imagined for me. Or perhaps I’m just realizing how very pessimistic some people can be. Either way, I walked away from my interactions with these people holding on to an even more determined stance.

I refuse to apologize to anyone for striking out on my own. I refuse to fit someone else’s mold.

I am the best possible me. And at the end of the day, that’s all I can and want to be.