Musician's Widow

Believe it or not, Valentine’s Day is one of my favorite holidays. To those who think its just a “Hallmark Holiday” I say, “Bah humbug.” I’ve liked Valentine’s Day since I was a kid. I liked Valentine’s Day when I was single. I like Valentine’s Day now that I am married.

Me and my husband -- Valentine's 2010

I remember that in Kindergarten, on Valentine’s Day my parents gave me a card/book with cherry heart lollipops. I honestly wish I still had that book! I can’t tell you anything about the story any more, but I remember getting my teacher to read it to the class that day. (Come to think about it now, I think I’ve always liked to “share with the class.” Hence blogging.)

The other day, I asked my niece if she was looking forward to her Valentine’s Day party at school. If she’d get lots of cards from her classmates. Her response was, “Like always.” I had to laugh to myself. I miss those little cards! I always liked the many ways “Denise” could be spelled, and there was something nice about having all your classmates have to think of you for a minute in the form of those little cards.

In high school, Valentine’s Day 1997, I attended my first concert ever. Bryan White — whom I admit I had a huge crush on at that time — was playing in Waco, TX. A girl friend and I had floor seats for the show, and I jokingly would say I had a date with Bryan for the night. It was an amazing night, and I have to say it was definitely THE night my life focus changed from being small-town Texas girl for life and setting my sights on Music City and the music business.

College days came and so did an “ok-ness” with being single. I had great Valentine’s in high school, but being single and NOT having roses in the office waiting for me all four years? Was almost worse than being picked last for dodge ball in elementary school. However, in college, there wasn’t the pressure or finger pointing of “single” or “dating” that there was before.

An excerpt from my LiveJournal on Feb. 14, 2002:

I am so content and happy with my singleness. I don’t need a man to validate me as a person or anything. I am me. I like me. Yeah, maybe it is “Singles Awareness Day”. Fine by me! I am aware I am single. And I’m okay with that.

I have the bestest friends. In real life and on the net. You guys just keep me grinning like mad. Most of you I’ve only know for a few months, but already you’ve helped me through some rough times. You’ve laughed with me. You’ve cried with me. You’ve done more than was necessary. I love you all from the bottom of my heart. How I got so lucky to get to know you, I’ll never know. Nor will I question it. I am just thankful for each and every one of you. Happy Valentine’s to you…

In 2003, I wrecked my truck the day before Valentine’s Day, and in 2004 I got my belly button pierced. You can’t say I don’t have eventful Valentine’s Days sometimes!

Three years after celebrating my singleness, on Valentine’s Day 2005, my now-husband and I said “I love you” for the first time. Quit dancing around it and said it. At least we picked an easy day to remember!

Now married three years, but due to work, my husband and I have only spent the last two Valentine’s Days together. And that’s okay… doesn’t make the day any less special. I know we should tell those we love that we do love them every chance you get. But there’s something nice about having a day set aside to really focus on that fact. To tell everyone — our “significant others,” our families, our friends — that we love them. That we care about them. That we are glad they are in our lives.

To everyone who reads this… Happy Valentine’s Day. May you love and be loved deeply.

(By the way, to those who think this holiday was created to sell cards, history tells us it was celebrated as far back as the Middle Ages… long before Hallmark cards. So. PBTHTHTHTHTHTH)

We’re in the thick of tour season, which means artists and their bands and crews are hitting the blacktop hard, traveling all over the country and the world. My Facebook friends feed and my Twitter feeds are full of musicians home for a few hours then off to wherever. And its also full of us wives/husbands going, “I’d sure like to have my spouse home for more than 24 hours… I miss them.”

I am one of those saying that.

Usually, this whole touring thing doesn’t phase me much. After we got married, my husband was home for about a day and then he was off on a two week run with the group he was with at that time. However, recently, I’ve found myself missing him more and more as he leaves on another run to Canada or Ohio or Florida or wherever.

Now, keep in mind, I am SO thankful he has a full schedule. It means money stresses are a LOT less right now, and I know that he does so love the road and the music. And its so good to see him doing what he loves to do. Its what we all aspire to do for a living: what we love.

However, I do miss him, and its in that I am also thankful. Because all this time apart has made me more thankful of the time we have together. It’s made me really bring what is most important to me into focus. Those few precious hours or, if we’re lucky a few days, I don’t worry about the bills or if the house is in great shape. I just want to spend my time with him. I want to treasure that time. I want to put it in a bottle to keep forever.

See, for a long time, we’ve been letting life lead us, versus us living life. Bills must be paid. We have responsibilities to handle. And while we aren’t turning our backs on our responsibilities, we’re also prioritizing a lot more carefully and stubbornly. Living in the moment for sure.

Mass tonight was, ironically, about the need to get away for a vacation. Craig and I are hoping to get away ourselves for a couple days coming up. However, it was a poem at the end of the sermon that really rocked me back on my heels. It left me fighting tears. I want to share it…

But You Didn’t
by Anonymous

Remember the day I borrowed your brand
new car and dented it?
I thought you’d kill me, but you didn’t.

And remember the time I dragged you to the beach,
and you said it would rain, and it did?
I thought you’d say, “I told you so.” But you didn’t.

Do you remember the time I flirted with all
the guys to make you jealous, and you were?
I thought you’d leave, but you didn’t.

Do you remember the time I spilled strawberry pie
all over your car rug?
I thought you’d hit me, but you didn’t.

And remember the time I forgot to tell you the dance
was formal and you showed up in jeans?
I thought you’d drop me, but you didn’t.

Yes, there were lots of things you didn’t do.
But you put up with me, and loved me, and protected me.

There were lots of things I wanted to make up to you
when you returned from Vietnam.

But you didn’t.
Copy and pasted from here.

We don’t know how much time we have with our loved ones. I attempt to cherish the time I have with mine. It’s why I make sure to at LEAST text my parents a good night message every night. It’s why my husband and I make time for each other every single day he’s on the road. It’s why I hate that I’ve not talked to my brother in about a month, and I seriously need to change that soon.

Live in the moment and make every one of them count… especially those moments spent with the ones we love.

When I was in high school and college, I used to joke that I was “a tax season orphan.” Today, my husband could rightfully call himself “a tax season widower.”

My parents have owned their own bookkeeping and tax preparation business for over 20 years. It’s perhaps pretty obvious and natural that I’d work for them through the years, and despite the fact that I majored in Journalism (and my passion lies in the arts) I continue to work the family business. And I truly do enjoy the work I do for them. It can really be a lot of fun!

The last few years, my work time has been focused on that final push of the season. The time when we have people in and out of the office constantly, and the time when the most returns are being completed a day. This year, I’ve alternated three weeks in Texas, one/two weeks in Nashville, then back to Texas another three weeks. I arrived back this last weekend to finish out the season.

Meanwhile, I am actively planning Muster for the Middle-Tennessee A&M Club. Everything, so far, seems to be falling into place beautifully. Which, I admit, makes me a little nervous. When it all falls together this well, I don’t feel as prepared for any “disasters” that could occur the day-of the event. Then again, I feel like I’m getting really good at planning things, so maybe its falling together just because its becoming old-hat to me? Who knows. Nonetheless, I am VERY excited for it all. I so love the tradition of Muster. It is without a doubt my favorite tradition of them all.

Easter is approaching!! I’m excited Craig will be down to spend it with us. THAT will make the day complete. Counting down for it, for sure.

The warmer temperatures of Spring are already making me itch for Summer. Actually, I wouldn’t mind skipping Spring just to avoid the tornado outbreaks that have already begun. I may have grown up dealing with them, but I will never be used to it. How can you be? They’re terrifying, how random they are.

But as I said, summer is approaching and that means… Craig will be on road a majority of the time. I get home in time for him to head out for work. That’s just the way it lands… bummer! We’ll make the most of our time as we have it, of course. We always say that we appreciate our time together more due to all the time apart, and we most definitely do. We don’t LIKE being apart as much as we are, but we make it work. It’s just the way our life rolls.

And honestly… I love my life. More than I can say.

There is one really big perk to having a husband that is a traveling musician: you DO get to do things you’d never do otherwise.

For example, two years ago I had the opportunity (which I took!) to go to Hawaii over the 4th of July holiday. Would we have gone otherwise? It’s possible, but also fairly doubtful. Honestly, I’d have never in a millions years thought I’d go there. Growing up, I never even listed Hawaii as a place I wanted to visit, simply because I knew it would never happen…

And then… it did. So beautiful! A wonderful trip! I’d love to go again some day, and who knows… we might. But, if we don’t, it’s okay, too. It’s a memory I will never, ever forget.

I also went to Las Vegas to see my husband do a show, and then just countless venues around Texas and, now, various locations close to Nashville. It’s a nice “perk” to the life. We spend so much time apart while he is on the road, but we do get advantages of getting to go and do things we’d never do otherwise. Occasionally, the random show sponsor will provide band members with gifts, or we’ll end up with the random CD of new music. It doesn’t make up for the time spent apart, per se. But, its a nice little bonus of sorts.

This last weekend, when everything went haywire due to a last-minute show being added, we again landed on things coming out better. Plus, we got to once again do something we’d otherwise have never done.

I drove up to Indianapolis, IN, for their show. Now, being from Texas, its still very strange to me to be able to drive to another state — much less through a whole state into yet another one! — for a concert. The 5 hour drive wasn’t bad at all. It was actually a very pleasant and beautiful drive.

The show was great, and we had friends there who we got to have fun with after the show. Due to checking in to our hotel so late, we ended up actually having our room through Monday! We discussed it and decided to stay an extra day.

I would have never known that Indianapolis was such a fascinating and beautiful city! We got to explore downtown, and I just could not get over how much there was to see. I sent my parents a cell phone photo of the skyline, and they too were amazed we were where we were… doing what we were doing. Heck, we discovered we enjoyed the city so much, we want to go back when it is warm so we can explore on foot! (It was SO cold and we had not packed for it, thinking we were going straight back home on Sunday.)

I plan to travel South soon to another show, and I will get the chance to explore some Southern history… whereas in Indiana there were such old buildings from a more Northern perspective. (Duh, right?) I have my fingers crossed my husband will soon get to fulfill one of his life-long dreams of played an awards show, and that I’ll get to come along to see that. I spoke with one of the crew’s wife and she plans to go with them on an upcoming California trip.

California would be so wonderful to get to come out to see them. I have friends there that I am itching to see again. However, funds will keep me grounded for this run. But, perhaps some day! You never know. All things are possible…

Coming from a girl who grew up in a small town, that has been quite the lesson learned. Often small town minds don’t see beyond their city limits. But there is a whole world out there to explore. And so many things that seem impossible, ARE possible. And I am forever grateful to the things I have gotten to experience…

Like I said… its difficult to be “a musician’s widow,” and its not a “job” many are cut out to handle. But, if you’re willing to put the faith, trust and belief in your marriage out there… it does come with its perks: both tangible and intangible.

A key element of the relationship between a musician and their significant other is TRUST. This applies to all careers — military the largest example — in which couples are separated for long periods of time.

Last night, when my husband and I talked after his show, he told me about a couple he met after the show at the bar. They’ve been married less than a month and as a fellow newlywed, my husband took an even greater interest in striking up a conversation with them.

The woman, he said, asked my husband if it was hard for me to let him go out on the road so far from home. He said that, no, its easy. We’ve just got that something special that allows it to happen without (much) consequence.

Now, I interrupt the story briefly to say I’d never categorize it as “easy” but its certainly not “hard” either. That is my little disclaimer in this tale.

My husband went on to tell me that the woman said she could never do it, because, after all, men will be men. My husband was alarmed by that accusation and told her simply that he disagreed. That when you find that right person, infidelity is not an issue. He’d never in a million years cheat on me, and he knows I am the same way. We have that strong level of trust between us, because we KNOW.

It actually left him and I very sad to see a couple JUST married carrying doubt in one another. It made us just more secure in how solid we are… the high level of trust we do hold in one another. Especially considering how often we are apart.

There is a song by Alabama that asks why the girls fall in love with the boys in the band. I am not stupid. There ARE women out there who are looking for a fast hook-up with one of the boys in the band. But just because there are women out there like that does not mean my husband will take the bait. Because I know with all of my being he wouldn’t, and there is great strength and comfort in that fact.