Musician's Widow

Love, Luck, Living

The phrase “to thine own self be true” has grown to have more and more meaning for me lately. I am quickly learning not to apologize for following my own heart and doing what is best for ME.

Believe it or not, I think this is a fairly hard concept for people to grasp. I’ve said for years that we live in an “all about me” world; one filled with everyone wanting someone else to take the blame for mistakes or everyone wanting to take credit for successes. (I even blame this mentality for the fact that no one uses turn signals anymore!)

However, when it comes to our personal lives and pursuing our heart’s desires, I think so many fall down. We accept that we’re going to fail at our dreams, so why try? Or, almost worse, someone else thinks we should do something else, so to make that person happy, we follow their dreams for us. In other words, we live to make someone else happy. Be it a boss, or a parent, or a friend, or a sibling. Perhaps its a craving for approval that sends so many down this path of unhappiness for self.

I’ve been following the recent upheaval in the college conferences for the last week. Being an Aggie, my concerns are completely focused on what Texas A&M will do when all the dust settles. I am finding that it comes down to one of two things: does A&M go with Texas wherever they go to keep that rivalry alive, or does A&M do its own thing.

Now, I am the biggest fan of traditions. I always believe that we should honor our past, because it has gotten us where we are today. Traditions add an element of stability in an otherwise tumultuous world. Texas A&M thrives on traditions. Our biggest one is probably the rivalry with Texas. Our War Hymn focuses on it. Growing up in Texas, you were either a Longhorn or an Aggie. End of sentence. Those other schools, the ones you might go to when you graduate high school, really didn’t matter. You were still either an Aggie or a Longhorn.

So why is it I sit here today thinking… I would really love to see A&M take its own stance. For the last few days I’ve said, “I’d love to see A&M go to the SEC, but I want the rivalry with Texas to remain alive more.” And I do want that rivalry to continue forward! But as I read the reviews of the changes. As I look at all the cards on the table. My gut screams for A&M to take its own stance. Go the SEC. Take a chance at being greater than, “Texas’ little sister in College Station.” We’ve always held ourselves to a higher standard, and we’ve always claimed to be our own man. Now is our chance to show that to the world.

Perhaps I feel it that strongly, because I find myself at this crossroads myself. And I’ve already chosen the path less traveled.

It’s not a secret. I’ve said it before in here. I’ve said it to friends and family. My husband and I have been financially strapped for awhile now. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at job sites, or how many times I’ve lain awake at night thinking I should just go find the first job offered to me. That thought always gives me a sad pause, because I know my dreams. I know my goals. And I know giving in to the path of least resistance is not the way to make those dreams happen. Choosing the quick fix doesn’t take care of my family down the road, nor does it make me truly happy.

Things are looking up

So, I have opted to run forward with my dreams full speed, and as a result I find those dreams running ahead of me. I’m just trying to keep up!

Anyone who has been on my blog on the last couple of days may have noticed a few glitches. Its because I’ve moved my blog to its own domain name (http://www.musicianswidow.com) and, as a friend said, “You’re a brand now!” I guess I am! I’m super excited about all the possibilities that lay ahead of me within all of this.  I’ve also found my confidence in my design work, and its no longer a case of me admitting what I can’t do. Its a case of me saying, “I can figure that out. Lets do it!”

The other night, I was writing an email out to a friend. A “what are you up to?” kind of thing. And as I talked about my dreams and goals, they no longer felt so far away. They felt like they were right here with me. I’m ON that path! I felt an excitement and joy professionally that I’ve not felt in far too long.

I’ve run into people lately that I’ve had the distinct impression weren’t happy with my choice to strike out on my own. I didn’t fit the mold they had imagined for me. Or perhaps I’m just realizing how very pessimistic some people can be. Either way, I walked away from my interactions with these people holding on to an even more determined stance.

I refuse to apologize to anyone for striking out on my own. I refuse to fit someone else’s mold.

I am the best possible me. And at the end of the day, that’s all I can and want to be.

Roll Call

There are days every year we all look forward to. Birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries. Days that just shine on the calendar, and we find ourselves counting down to them.

For me, April 21st is one of those days on the year.

April 21st means Aggie Muster.

I wrote about what Muster means to me in depth last year in this blog. So, I won’t go as in depth as to what Muster is, but I will once again reiterate: it humbles me.

I get downright ANGRY when anyone “teases” me about being an Aggie, and its things like Muster that cause that anger to bubble up.

I have found that a majority of the time, the people who tease are those people who see only one thing: football. A university’s worth is only measured by how they play on the football field.

I like football. No, I love football. I get just as wrapped up in it as anyone else. But, I didn’t go to Texas A&M University based on the football team. I went because its a FAMILY. There is a camaraderie with Aggies that I could never explain, nor could I ever expect non-Aggies to understand.

We honor our past. We encourage our future. And we stand together every day. But every April 21st we come together, all around the world, to do all of these things at one time. We honor those who have passed. We welcome new Aggies to the tradition with open arms. And we put our arms around each other in a familial hug to comfort as much as to encourage.

So while others judge a school on their football team, I’m going to judge mine based on traditions like Muster and Silver Taps. On academic rankings and its connection to our armed forces. On school, state and nation. On a love for fellow Aggies, even those we’ve never met in person.

We gather here to mark the day Aggies proudly stand.
To honor those who’ve gone before to the promised land.
Each name is called upon the roll, comrades answer “Here.”
Trumpets sound their sad good-bye to those we held so dear.
All heads are bowed in silent pledge never to forget.
While rifles fire their last salute echoes answer yet.
To their mem’ry we’ll be true; we will take their place.
One for all and all for one ever in Thy grace.
We’ll meet again another day, reunion while we pray
To ask Thy blessing on each one on this Muster day,
Aggie Muster Day.

Mrs. Earl (Margaret) Rudder

On April 21st, I proudly answered, “here” to the roll call at the Middle Tennessee Aggie Muster. And for as long as the Lord lets me walk this Earth, I’ll do it again every April 21st to come.

Aggies Mustered in Middle Tennessee

Today was definitely a day of “getting to my roots.”

Inscription on Albritton Clock Tower on the Texas A&M Campus

First, I went out to the cemetery where all my grandparents are buried, and its at the church where my husband and I got married. This location deserves a blog post all by itself, but suffice to say that you can’t get much deeper into my roots than this location!

Then, I visited Texas A&M University. I took some time to walk around a little bit of the campus and take pictures. I took in memories of days now-fairly-long past, and I observed the current student population a little. I am forever amazed by how little changes in light of how much things have changed.

I ran into the same family a couple times as I strolled around. It was a young man with his parents and a couple siblings. He was giving his family a tour of campus, and if I were guessing I’d have said he had to be a Freshman. Perhaps even a Senior checking out the campus he’d be attending in the fall.

I could only hear snippets of their conversations, and really it was none of my business. However, the young mans demeanor amused me. His body language screamed out that he would rather be doing anything other than what he was doing in that moment. Telling his family about traditions, etc. seemed to be almost an annoyance. It was as if they should know these things already.

I shook my head, and deep down I wanted to pull him aside. I wanted to convey to him that I’m over 5 years out of college now, and there are times I wish I’d taken more time to appreciate my campus. I was blessed with parents who took (and continue to take) an active roll in my life. He needs to be thankful to have his family there with him. Many would give anything to have that time. And 10 years from today, he’ll wish he had this time back. I could promise him that.

At another point in my tour, I couldn’t help but overhear another young man fretting over the coming summer. Should he stay in College Station, or should he go home to Dallas?

He was going through the pros and cons of both to his friend, and I have to admit, I was impressed at how he was thinking it through. But I felt the urge to go to him and tell him that neither choice was wrong. He is blessed to be in a time in his life that everything is a chance to grow and experience life. In a weird way, being a student gives him a safety net that “the real world” will not offer in the next few years. Enjoy having that problem. Revel in having the options ahead of you, and know that neither one is wrong. Both will offer lessons in life. Both will find you wiser come Fall Semester.

Its a funny thing about taking some time to visit your roots. You find yourself studying the lessons you’ve learned along the way. You realize you wish someone would have told you these lessons ahead of time. And yet within that, you find its learning these lessons on your own that have made them stick.

So even as I wanted to “offer words of advice” it was best I kept my musings to myself. Those lessons were for me to learn my own way, and for these current students to learn their own way as well. And some day, they may take their own stroll on campus and have the urge to share their own advice, but they, too, won’t.

I heard an article yesterday that a college in Massachusetts is now accepting YouTube videos of students applying for admission.

An excerpt from the story:

“We’re not judging it on the qualities of the production values,” says Lee Coffin, dean of admissions at Tufts. “We’re not looking for Oscar-winning short films. What we’re really hoping to get out of these videos is another part of the puzzles that make up this 17-year-old person.”

I’m glad I didn’t have this kind of pressure on my shoulders when I applied to college!  However, I can’t help but sit and wonder what I’d have done as a video when I was 17. Who I am today and who I was twelve a few years ago are two different people! However, in the same breath, my core values haven’t changed one bit.

First and foremost, I would have to introduce my family. It’s changed some since I was 17. My niece and my husband have both been added to the family since then. More love to go around! I have without a doubt been blessed with the most amazing family. A family that is supportive and loving. A family that laughs together and leans on each other. A family that I can always rely on to be there for me. And one that I will always been here for… they are truly the people who mold me more than anything else.

My faith would also be at the top of the list. My faith and the hope and strength God gives to me is a huge part of who I am. I am not someone who will wear my faith on my sleeve, but I also will not deny it. I will not hold back how much I do lean on it to get me through trials in life.

My faith is stronger today than it was back then.

Home would have to be introduced. Back then, I would have focused on my hometown, and my love for wide open fields and back roads. Today, I would have to show that, but I would also have to put a heavy focus on my city. I absolutely love Nashville and its vibe. I love its melting pot of people, and the wonderful friends I’ve made there.

My school would have to be acknowledged. Back then, high school and the pride I had in my school then. Today, being an Aggie is a bigger part of who I am than anyone could ever understand or truly respect. Digs against my school could very will be considered a dig against me personally. My school is more than its football team. My school is a family in and of itself. I could never ask anyone to understand. All I ever ask is to for it to be respected.

Finally, lots of little quirks make me who I am. Back then, things like yearbook, newspaper, band, flags, CDs and my pick up truck would be who I would introduce. Today, writing, photography, travel, my cats, my home, and a good home-cooked meal would probably be what I add to the mix.

Come to think of it, there would be absolutely no way for me to capture all the things that make me who I am in a way that would be true to myself. I suspect many of those applying for admission are realizing that fact, and are instead taking the catchy route. Sometimes its easier to entertain than it is to study yourself.

But at 17 — heck at ANY age — its not a bad idea to do just that. Take time to consider what it is that makes you who you are, and a step beyond that… how do you portray that to the world?

There’s a saying about Aggies and Aggieland: From the outside looking in, you can never understand it. From the inside looking out, you can never explain it. That’s precisely what makes this blog so very hard to write. Because if you aren’t an Aggie, you probably will never truly understand.

Ten years ago, I was a freshman in college. I’d opted to attend Temple College for two years before transferring to Texas A&M University, despite having being accepted at TAMU. So, when I say Bonfire collapsed my freshman year, I have to give you that little bit of disclaimer. As I was not there to watch the Bonfire being built prior to that fateful night. I would, however, occasionally check in on a live webcam someone had set up to document the growing stack.

I had made plans with my best friend since Kindergarten who was already at TAMU to attend Bonfire with her, and then go to the big game: University of Texas vs. Texas A&M. I was more excited about it than I could possibly ever tell you.

I still remember, though, how numb I felt when my mom told me that Bonfire had collapsed and that there were fatalities. I had classes that day, and I went on to school. I tuned in to KAGG 96.1 FM… Aggie 96… all the way to school, and I sat listening to the reports in my truck prior to going to class.

Eight days before, I’d come far too close to losing my own brother in an auto accident. And here I was listening to reports of my Aggie family having lost members, and I felt the sharp ache in my heart.

Me & Lindsey at the game in 1999

A week later, I went to the candlelight memorial at the site of stack, the night it was supposed to burn. We made the trek over to Kyle Field, where a video of a previous Bonfire burning was being shown on the jumbotron. I will never forget how quiet it got, nor the way groups huddled together for comfort. I will never forget the feeling of unity. The way everyone leaned on one another, not afraid to show the hurt, sadness and weakness that permeated everyone’s souls.

The next day, we went and witnessed “The 12 Man’s Finest Hour” when the Aggies took the win over the Longhorns: 20 – 16. I also witnessed one of Texas’ most classy moments as well: when the Longhorn band held Texas A&M flags and performed “Amazing Grace.”

Bonfire’s collapse had not only affected Aggies, but it had brought in an outpouring of love and respect from even our greatest rivals.

I know that in the years since, lawsuits and studies, finger pointing and fear have all mired the memory of Bonfire and what it truly meant to so many Aggies: a time to gather in camaraderie prior to the biggest game of the year. It wasn’t as much about UT as it was about being an Aggie and experiencing a tradition that was 90 years in the making.

Ten years later, on what would have been the 100th Anniversary of Bonfire, Aggies came together to remember that fateful night in which 12 Aggies were killed, and many others injured. The place where Bonfire had once been built, and today a beautiful memorial stands, thousands gathered at the moment of collapse in a candlelight vigil.

Nashville Aggies gathered tonight

I was able to watch part of that memorial thanks to a live feed from KBTX, the local CBS affiliate. I clutched my husbands hand, and as I expected would happen… as the images flashed in front of my eyes, and I listened to the stories, I felt the sobs build in my chest and the tears fall. My heart was very much in Aggieland at that moment. I can never in a million years explain what this meant to me… what this means to Aggies everywhere.

I was blessed this evening to be surrounded by Aggies locally. I invited Aggies to join me for dinner, and to my delight several came out. We poured over a recent Texas Monthly, and the day’s Battalion. We shared a good bit of good bull from our days in Aggieland, and about our days here in Nashville.

In this one night, friendships that had begun over time at Game Watching Parties and Happy Hours seemed to truly solidify. By the end of the night, plans for Christmas were being made, and once again, hundreds of miles from where the Bonfire once burned, its true spirit was sparked once again. Aggie camaraderie stood strong and shined. It burned brightly… just as it was always meant to do.

November was once a month I would become downright GIDDY about arriving for the simple fact that it meant my birthday was near. Today? I look at my November calendar and all I see is… a lot going on!

November Birthdays

First and foremost is definitely BIRTHDAYS! My friend, Anne, has her birthday on the 5th. I’m right behind her on the 10th. My husband is the 19th, and my Mom’s is on the 22nd! Not to mention the countless other friends whose birthdays land this month… I think if we tried to have one big joint birthday party we’d have to have two full size sheet cakes to fit all the names!

Right there with birthdays, I can’t forget Anniversaries. My brother and sister-in-law got married on the 11th (14 years!) and our friend’s Brian and Kristen got married on the 19th (4 years!).

Important holidays: Veterans Day (11th) and Thanksgiving (26th). And of course we can’t forget National Deviled Egg Day (today!), Pack Your Mom Lunch Day (15th), and Stay At Home Because You’re Well Day (30th). (For more of these days, visit this list on About.com.)

Among these days, I am participating in NaNoWriMo. I’ve mentioned this before, but now its begun. I’m glad to say that as of right now, I am right on target to do this. Ask me again in a week how I’m doing. Then again, don’t ask. I’ll tell you on my own soon, I am sure.

On November 9th, I end my very first Project 365. In one way, I will be really glad to see it come to an end. In another, I’m sad to see it end, and I am trying to come up with my own project to replace it. I might continue on with it, but give it some sort of twist. I don’t know for sure yet. I have 8 days to decide. I’ll let you know what I decide then.

10 Years Later...

November 18th is the 10 year anniversary of the Aggie Bonfire collapse. You can rest assured I’ll have a full entry that day about it, but it is yet another anniversary that lands in this month.

In another sad memory, 10 years ago my brother was in an auto accident (on my birthday) that certainly changed my driving habits, what I drive, and without a doubt made me stop taking mine and my family and friend’s safety for granted.

Finally, big games to be played by Aggies this month. They will face Colorado, Oklahoma, Baylor and Texas this month. The Texas is back ON Thanksgiving, where it rightfully belongs. Again… that’s another entry for a later date.

Lots going on this month! I just hope I can keep up!

I think most people would describe me as an agreeable person. Optimistic and upbeat a majority of the time. However, I do go through my phases in which a lot of little thing just eat at me. They bug me. Pull at my last nerve. Wear out what patience I have.

Now is one of those times.

Rivals
I graduated from Texas A&M University in 2003 with my BS in Journalism. I am an Aggie, and I have the diploma and ring to prove it. I am proud of my school, and I am a die-hard Aggie football fan. However, I also have a lot of respect for other schools. My only request is that you don’t rub your allegiance to a rival school in my face. I always want to simply ask, “And your point is…?”

This last week, I had a guy pointedly flash a Longhorns signal at me, and my blood immediately boiled. Especially since I was 99.9% certain the guy was what I like to call a T-shirt fan… no real alliance to the school other than being just a fan. He felt the need to act all better-than-you all because I am an Aggie? I wanted to walk over and tell him unless he had a diploma to back up that hand single he better shove it where the sun doesn’t shine. Because I am sick and tired of being so severely disrespected because of my school. Which just so happens to be a REALLY GOOD SCHOOL with a loyalty and family-feeling that can not be compared to any other school.

I can take good natured ribbing from friends. But by a stranger? Its just disrespectful and unwarranted. So unless you have some true point and reason for your need to be obnoxious, can it. Because I will take your arrogance and raise you a hard-earned degree.

Redneck Men
This last week I went out for awhile to Fan Fair, oh wait… CMA Music Fest, on my own to people watch and take in some of the music myself. As I walked down the street to the stages, I had a guy go, “Heyyyyy…” I look at him, and he literally has his hand and arm up his shirt scratching his arm pit, leering.

REALLY???

I mean. Really. Woman walking down the street alone just MUST be in need of the first man who leers her way with his hand up in his sweaty arm pit. Yeah. We’ll all just jump on the first man that looks our way and goes, “Heyyyy….”

This is why you don’t see many women out alone! It’s not rapists and muggers we’re avoiding! It’s dumb rednecks that think this is okay! Newsflash: IT’S NOT!

Twitter Spambots
I’ve admitted my addiction to Twitter in the past. I’m not leaving it any time soon. However, I wish there was some way to put a handle on these Spambot profiles. I had one follow me about ten times over three days time offering a Britney Spears sex video. And for some reason, despite my profile stating I am married, Singles Dating Sites feel the need to follow me and try to offer me help setting up my singles profile.

I like to meet new people on Twitter. But I will not follow and will most likely block anyone who does not take the time to fill in any of their profile information. Throw me a little information here, people.

Comcast
Yes. I’m calling out a company that I’ve been annoyed with as of late.

It started with our cable bill going up steadily over six months time. And  our service wasn’t getting any better! So we called to see about getting it lowered, explaining that we just could not afford what we were paying now!

The young man on the phone promptly reads us this offer for better service (HD Channels, even though we explained we didn’t have an HD TV)… for a little more than we were paying. He wasn’t helping us any with that. THEN he offers us much slower Internet services, the same Internet and phone, for only about $10 less than we were paying now. Again, not helping matters any. FINALLY after going through several offers, he admitted he could set us up with the exact same service we had already for $30 less a month. We took it… not only was that pretty much where we were shooting to be, but we were also tired of his not really listening to us.

Fast forward to the other night when our service was out for hours. I mentioned it on Twitter via cell phone texts several times before I went on to bed. Four hours later, someone from Comcast jumps on Twitter and asks if they can help me. Well by this time my Internet is back, but beyond that… if my internet is down how am I to necessarily be able to respond to your offer to help via Internet!?

Well, that next day, Comcast actually calls to notify us of maintenance over night and that our internet would be down for a period of time. I am so grateful when they do that! Because I like to know when I need to work around an outage. I don’t mind the outage when I know its coming!

So, I post this on Twitter and promptly a Comcast service rep messages, “Can I help?”

I just closed my browser and walked away. Really Comcast? I am saying that I have service now, but won’t have it later in the evening… and you ask if you can help? One of these days I’m just going to Twitter the word “Comcast” and see how many “Can I help?”s I get.

Honestly, I do think the service reps via Twitter are a good idea. I’m just annoyed that they don’t seem to really grasp whatever their customer is Twittering about prior to responding. Read before you respond, guys. Please.

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EDIT TO ADD (4:00 pm) :: Note in the comments of this entry a response my a Comcast representative. Kudos to them for that… I’m very impressed! A ranty little entry from a woman in a bad mood as of late and they took the time to respond. Thanks guys!!!