Musician's Widow

As 30 looms ahead, I find myself looking at my closet, then looking around in stores, and I find myself going through something of a crises. What should I wear!?

I feel creepy looking around in the Juniors section at 30… but I can’t find anything I like in Misses or Ladies or whatever they call it in the given store. I’m definitely not Petite. That I can mark off the list. With gusto.

I’m too young to dress old; too old to dress young. This is almost worse than puberty.

Okay, I take that back. Puberty was worse.

I mean, I’m not dealing with acne and… oh wait. Still dealing with that, too.  OKay, at least I’m not dealing with hormone driven boys… wait, I work in a bar part time. Still dealing with that, too. Okay, I don’t have to deal with Algebra. There. That makes it not a bad as puberty.

(Instead I deal with taxes, insurance, bills… huh. I should probably drop this argument at this point.)

I am absolutely hooked on TLC’s What Not to Wear, and this last weekend they had something of a marathon going. They did several 29 year olds, and boy was I taking notes! Ultimately, its about taking pride in myself and finding items that work with my body and my goals in life. The section label is just that, just a label. And its all about finding what works for me and projecting to others who I am in a positive light.

This last weekend, Easter weekend, I had quite a rant going about how people dressed for Easter mass. One person even wore old jeans and a concert t-shirt! I was livid at the lack of respect for the church and the Holiday! It hit me later, after I mulled over my irritation, that it came down to the fact that we all seem to forget that how we dress says a lot about us to others — like in my eyes, the t-shirt showed lack of respect and reverence — as well as about how we feel about ourselves.

Any time I wear even just a new shirt, I have an extra spring in my step. When I splurge and get my hair highlighted, I have an extra boost of self confidence. I find myself presenting myself more professionally and positively to those around me. That alone affects how people respond back.

So as I approach clothes shopping as 30 approaches, I have to look in the mirror and ask if what I am buying to wear fits who I am and what I want to project to others. 30 is just a number, and those sections are just labels. There’s no reason to have a pubescent meltdown of self.

I’m three months in to the journey towards 30, one-fourth of the way there. I’ve always said I wasn’t afraid of turning 30; I have looked forward to it. My 30s will rock!

But I have to admit.

It feels a little weird.

I still remember, when 30 was old…
–Strawberry Wine, Deana Carter

I heard that line the other day, and it was pretty much an “Oh Sh–” moment. Thank heavens 30 isn’t old, but it does seem to come with this feeling of maturity. Or this feeling like there SHOULD be a higher level of maturity when your ages flips another decade.

And I guess… I’m definitely creeping in that direction. I don’t know that it has much to do with age as a number so much as age in experiences. I’d venture to guess that the economy and the state of this country — of this whole world! — has aged all of us drastically.  It just happened to land at a “milestone” in my life.

So do I have anything exciting to report for these first three months? Not really. Just lots of lessons learned, and other lessons further hammered home. I’m taking every day one day at a time. I’m living on faith. I’m attempting to find more patience. I’m approaching everything with a shift in focus. Certain things I’m giving a lot more attention and focus, and other things I’m learning to let roll off my back.

I’m taking stock of the relationships in my life; I’m realizing my own personal value. I’m counting my blessings. I’m cutting my losses.

Ready or not, here I come.

- 30 -