Musician's Widow

You know what stinks? That moment you realize, “I’m getting sick.” And then you spend the next few hours or days in denial, all while doing what you can to avoid it happening.

Yeah, that was me a few days ago. I fell asleep on the couch for about 15 minutes, and when I woke up my head felt it was twice its size. It was THAT moment. So, I started my battle with my old faithful of sinus rinses and apple cider vinegar tonic. Musicinex and a couple doses of Sudafed PE. I also take Zyrtek and Flonase daily.

A couple days of teetering between okay and not-okay, I woke up with a full-fledged cold. And the crappiest part of it?

My husband was on the road. And Mom is 800+ miles away. I was on my own.

What is it about being sick that just makes you want to be doted on? To want to just wrap up in a blanket, sit on the couch, eat popsicles and watch mindless TV. To want to have someone else make you supper, and bring you a cold glass of water when you just don’t want to get up off the couch.

Oh, its not the first time I’ve been on my own while under the weather. It won’t be the last time. But it still makes me WANT to turn into a whiny little kid. Even at 30.

Now the funny thing about a cold is that there’s really nothing you can do about it, and within that, I had no real good reason to call out of work. (Trust me, though, if I’d felt I was contagious I’d have called out. ) And, you know what? I am glad I had to work. A hot shower, flat ironed hair, make-up and just being up and among people made me feel better. It made me forget about how big my head felt. It motivated me to keep going.

I followed a work evening with a day of sleep, water, Muscinex, Vitamin C, Sudafed and sinus rinses. Mostly sleep. And as a result, I am running at about 90% now. I alternated sleep with house work today (and hubby is home, so he went to the grocery store for me and instead of popsicles brought me a six-pack of a new seasonal beer — I love that man!), and I think I should be running at full speed again tomorrow (or darn close!).

We’re going into Fall, though, which usually means sicky time for me. I’ll try to keep the whining to a minimum. Try.

My husband was supposed to be home over two hours ago. However, a bad accident shut the interstate down, and they got stuck for two hours.

That’s definitely not something anyone could anticipate (which is why they try to leave plenty of time on their way TO a gig) and they were the luckiest of everyone out there… they had a bathroom the whole time. Sorry, when I see people stuck in traffic for hours at a time, I always think how awful it would be if you need to use the bathroom and if you’re diabetic and need food. But I digress…

So here I am, laying on the couch, waiting to go pick up my husband from the bus. Their original arrival time was perfect for me to go get him and go to bed at my normal time. This new ETA? It just throws me off.

They weren’t far enough behind to justify going to bed, but they’re far enough behind for me to be getting grumpy and ready for sleep.

I’ve tried to keep myself busy this whole time, and I got a lot done. Almost all the laundry is done. And I’ve gotten some paperwork done. But now I’m over it. I’m ready for him to be home.

An hour to go…

It happens. We all get a little overwhelmed and discouraged. I’m putting off this week’s Show Stories entry by a day, because I’m there right now: Overwhelmed and discouraged.

Ironic considering I have two new projects waiting in the wings. No reason to feel discouraged. I should be feeling energized and excited! I should be jumping on this with vigor! But instead I feel just the opposite.

I think a part of that is due to my schedule lately not lending itself to work very well. I’ve also not straightened my office in awhile, which has chased me out of there to work. I’ve drifted from the online networking, etc. that I’d been doing hard and heavy, and I’ve noticed that in my site stats dropping off a bit lately.

It just adds up.

Oh, I’m not giving up.  I read somewhere that blogging seems easy at first because you have no where to go but up. Then you hit a plateau and it doesn’t all seem so easy any more. I think I’ve hit a self-inflicted mini-plateau.

I need to, first, work on my schedule. Then, second, clean my office and reclaim it for work. Then, third, nurture my business relationships better.

I confess, some days, I shake my head and think it would just be easier to go find a job as a waitress somewhere and forget this “crazy dream.” But it also wouldn’t be the least bit fulfilling for me. Oh sure, it would have its perks here and there. But a few years from now, I’d be right back where I am now. Kicking myself for not pushing forward and being further along in my goals. Wishing I’d not given in to “the easy route.”

No, I’m going to keep pushing forward. Keep learning about my trade. Keep putting myself out there every single day. It’s too important to me to do anything else.

I’m just having “a day.” I’m having a Monday on a Wednesday. It happens. It won’t even last through tonight. (At least I hope not!!) But I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge the struggle. Acknowledge what it takes, and acknowledge that sometimes… it gets difficult. And its in time like this, you have to push a little harder.

So here I go… pushing along.

There are a few things I “hate.”  Liver is one of those things. Red Raiders and Longhorns are two other things. (*grin*) I’m not even fond of making phone calls. (THAT is a blog post in and of itself!) But one thing I REALLY don’t like is going to the doctor.

I think it all started when I went through a period of time in which it seemed like I was at the hospital every time I turned around. I had the mantra, “I hate hospitals.” which eventually just morphed into, “I hate going to the doctor.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, there are times it is good to be at the doctor’s office or the hospital. Like, a baby being born. That’s a good thing! Or someone being discharged after having been sick. That’s also a good thing! And, really, doctors serve a very important and necessary purpose in our world. We’d be in terrible shape without them. So I am thankful for doctors.

I just don’t like having to see them.

A big reason, I think, is the fear of finding out something bad. I confess, I am a big, “Hear no evil, see no evil…” fan. Is that good? Not really. But its how I am. So there is that. Even when I feel completely healthy and have no signs of anything, I fear being told, “Your tests came back strange,” or, “I noticed something strange when I did this.” I don’t like being blindsided. No one does. No one should. But the fact remains that it can happen. In the end, its best to know when something is wrong, so you can fix it. I know this. But I also know that I don’t like those kinds of surprises.

So as such, I don’t like going to the doctor.

Another thing, I’ve had too many times lately in which I HAVE been sick and I’ve gone to the doctor only to not get anywhere. The worst time was when I had a horrible sinus infection. I’ve had enough of them to know when I have a sinus infection. The doctor came in to the room — I could barely even sit up I felt so bad — she pushed between my eyes and went, “Does this hurt.”

It didn’t. So she said I didn’t have a sinus infection and didn’t want to give me anything. I would have been livid if I’d had the energy to feel that way. I had to fight to get a prescription antibiotic! It left me with yet another bad taste in my mouth towards doctors.

So. I don’t like doctors. I fear being given bad news, and I fear not getting help when I truly need it. Both of which kind of defeat the purpose of the doctor in the first place, right?

But I do go. I went today for a check-up in fact. I know their need. I know their purpose. I respect them immensely. But that being said, I still don’t like them.

Today, I had to go renew the tags on my truck. It’s a yearly task that I just really don’t like to go do. For one thing, its one more thing to attempt to budget into my expenses (which never really happens, but I’m trying). For another, it always ends up taking a lot of time out of my day. So, I embarked on my task with a bit of a grumpy attitude already.

Sitting in line for emissions testing

First stop, emissions testing. Growing up in small-town Texas, this was not a task I had to do before moving to Nashville. (Instead I had to do a state inspection, which is far more involved but it’s not a part of getting tags.) Of course, I pick the lane taking the longest to go through.  I amuse myself with Twitter while I wait… okay, I whine on Twitter while I wait.

Wouldn’t you know, though, that I get up to the front of the line and it takes my truck maybe a minute to be done. Made me shake my head to myself. Wait half an hour for the four cars ahead of me, only to fly through myself. But, hey, it was done and I was free to go.

Off I went to the county clerk’s office to get my tags. Only problem: I found the closest clerk’s office boarded up! What? I just drove by a couple weeks ago and they were there…

Understand, I am big on details. I like to have everything laid out ahead of time. I had the exact amount for my tags figured and the check written. I had all my paper work paper clipped in my passenger seat. I had planned this all down to the most minute detail. But I DIDN’T KNOW THE CLERK’S OFFICE MOVED!

So, I quickly found a parking lot to pull into, and I pulled out my handy-dandy Droid Incredible phone. I quickly Googled the clerk’s office and found in the bottom corner their new address. I copy and pasted it into my Navigator, and off I went to the new location, which just so happened to be a block from the vehicle emissions testing location.

Only, the address I had didn’t take me to the clerk’s office. It took me the National Guard!  I drove all around there, and I never could find the clerk’s office! I wasted a good 45 minutes just looking for an office that I’m not sure exists any more. I was annoyed and flustered by this time. (I’ve since looked the address up again and got the same location as my phone took me to. I’m so confused!)

I found another place to pull over, and I mapped my way to the clerk’s office the next town over.  Over 20 minutes away, and I knew the office closed in 30 minutes. Any traffic hang-ups and I’d be left out to dry for the day.

But, I went for it. I’d spent all this time on this task already, I might as well finish it. So off I went.  My Navigator took me right to the front door of the office, and I got in line to go drive-thru for renewals. I was about seven cars back from the window… and the line wasn’t moving. I looked at the clock and weighed my options.

See… I’ve been in the drive-thru line at the clerks office at closing time, and they didn’t care that there were cars already there. When it was closing time, they closed the window and refused to serve anyone else. I did NOT want that to happen to me again. I decided to back out of the line and find somewhere to park. Surely they wouldn’t throw me out physically if I got in the door before they closed.

I grabbed my neatly paper clipped stack of papers and went inside. I almost didn’t believe my eyes. There were two ladies just sitting there without anyone at their windows. I walked right up, and since I had everything together I was done less than five minutes. I couldn’t help but turn to look at the drive-thru as I strolled to my truck. It hadn’t moved an inch! SCORE! Finally, something went right.

Of course, then I couldn’t find my way back out of town without my Navigator, and it did try to take me the wrong way down one-way streets. (But, I AM smart enough to not follow any GPS blindly.) Of course, this was the one time I didn’t pack my phone charger, so by the time I got home, my battery was dead right along with my nerves frazzled.  I didn’t even put the tags on my truck yet, because I figured with my luck today I’d end up slicing my finger trying to get the old tags off!

At least this is a task that I hate to do that is done for another year. And I am going to keep in mind that I need to double check addresses before I leave the house — even to places that I’ve been to before. You never know when they’ll have moved and you’ll end up chasing your own tail. It is just a waste of time, gas, and frustration.