Musician's Widow

I have a private journal I’ve kept up since 2011. Unfortunately, in the past couple of years its just become a place to dump my Twitter feed to for safe keeping. But once upon a time, I wrote in it daily. A few years, I would take the last week of December to do a year-end wrap-up. I’d write about what happened in each given month of the previous year, taking a trip down memory lane.

Eventually, however, that ceased to happen. And since then, I have given each year end a little bit of a cursory nod, but never the kind of attention I once gave. I’d like to say that this year will be different, that I’ll go month-by-month again. But, I can’t say that, because I, frankly, just don’t have time to go that in depth. I do, however, want to give this year some closure.

My  mom sent me an email with a newsletter giving ways to bring closure to the year. In it, Mike Robbins writes about how we need to give one year closure before we jump into the next one with all these hopes for where it will lead.

Last year at this time, we were in the process of moving. I was forced to find closure on the previous three years of living in the house we were in, and I embraced 2011 with hope and optimism as change was going on all around me. My address changed, and so did many ways I viewed various things. This year, though, I feel like I’m just rolling into 2012 without much fanfare. Its just another year. January 1st, just another day. I don’t really have optimism, but I don’t feel dread either. I’m a bit ambivalent to the whole thing.

So perhaps I am one who has a bigger need to find closure to 2011 than I would normally be as a year comes to a close. I thought I’d tackle the four questions found in Robbins’ newsletter.

1) What were my biggest lessons in 2011?

Absolutely the strong difference between want and need was my biggest lesson. This past year was a rebuilding one, financially, for my husband and myself. With that, I also learned the deep satisfaction that comes with paying for items with cash. I learned how to NOT live on credit and instead was reminded what it meant to put your money in a jar (or in my case, a big envelope) until you’d saved up enough money to purchase that great big WANT.

I learned my love for photography really can be more than just a hobby. I found a deep interest in the creative process of bringing music to life, and I discovered a potential market for documenting that process. I caught myself critiquing other’s photos with a better eye than just, “Oh that’s pretty!” and I soak in how other’s approach photography — both in what to do and what NOT to do.

On the writing side, I finally learned and held my first giveaways. I learned about how social networking in person can help you in the online world. I discovered even more strongly the kindred spirits I have in other bloggers.

Medically, I have learned an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. If I will stay on a strict regimen for my sinuses, I won’t be so crippled by infections. You’d think I’d have known that already, but I REALLY learned it this year.

2) What am I most proud of from this past year?

See question 1. I am most proud of the fact that my husband and I ended the year without accruing any new debts. (Outside of an ER bill.)

I am proud that I have embraced myself as a writer and a photographer, not just as “trying to get into it.” I am proud that I’ve kept this blog going and its continuing to pick up traffic and grow consistently. I am super proud of the work I did on Rick’s CD, leading me even deeper down the photography path.

Finally, I am proud of becoming a biggest piece of our work-puzzle. Working more consistently has given me a nice feeling of satisfaction. I’ve met so many interesting people, many of which I’d have never met had I not been behind the bar this year.

3) What were my biggest disappointments in 2011?

I set the bar high for myself. I may not admit that out loud to anyone, but deep down I always set it high. While my blog does continue to grow, its growing slower than I’d like for it to grow. I am disappointed that I haven’t gone to any blogger conferences, nor attended any photo walks. I once again failed to complete NaNoWriMo.

I fully thought I’d be further in making photography profitable for myself, but I have to acknowledge there is still a lot more expense I need to go into first to really get that off the ground. Baby steps… even if I don’t want them to be.

On a personal note, I do wish we were closer to being able to purchase our own house, or maybe be back to two vehicles. And I had hoped we’d be more solidly ready to take steps towards starting a family.

4) What am I ready to let go of from this past year?

My disappointments for the year. They are heavily outweighed by the lessons and successes of the year. When many people look back on 2011, they call it a bust. When I look back on it, I call it a success. Maybe I didn’t grow to the levels I had hoped I would, but I sure didn’t backslide for a change!

But perhaps that is where I don’t feel this big surge into the new year. I didn’t necessarily grow “big time” this past year, but I didn’t backslide. I didn’t stagnate, but I think I easily could do that right now. Just go with the status quo as it stands now, content with where I am for awhile. But I don’t WANT to do that. I want to keep striving forward. I want to keep pushing. I want to build a positive momentum from here on out. And maybe… maybe I am afraid I won’t do that?  Hmm…

5) What else do I need to do or say to be totally complete with 2011?

This might sound bizarre to some people, but I need to clean out my closet. I need to clear out old things physically to be ready to clear them out mentally and emotionally. I may have to actively do this on the 1st since I won’t have time today to do it. But, I need to do something like that…I need to physically let go of things. I need to clean. I need to rearrange a room. Something like that.

⚝

Happy New Year, everyone. See you all in 2012…

October went by crazy fast for me. I was just BUSY, and as we jump into November with both feet I’m still busy!

Last month, it was busy downtown. I picked up a lot of nights in the bar — something that paid off really well, and I am SO grateful for that fact. It’s left me on a total vampire schedule (I just can’t flip flop like most people!), but its also left me feeling very satisfied with the feeling of hard work done well.

Now, though, my workload is completely different. I have a lot of stuff I need to handle for my parent’s business — research in products and stuff. I have a CD cover to design, like, yesterday. I have a friend looking to start a blog and wants me to help him with the design of it. I am trying to do NaNoWriMo. And I’m just looking to enjoy my birthday month and Thanksgiving!

BUSY! That is me.

And I plan to love every moment of it.

Happy Labor Day to my American visitors! Show of hands, how many people are working today?

Today’s holiday got me thinking about that age old question, “What do you want to be, when you grow up?”

I'm too busy relaxin' out here to think about a career in 20 years...

We ask children that before they can even read. We ask that of each other as adults, half joking, half knowing that chances are, we’ll all have more than one career in our lifetimes.

When I was growing up, I wanted to be a teacher. That was my answer, without hesitation, when someone would ask me that question. I hit second grade, and I loved my teacher so much that I decided I wanted to be a second grade teacher!

I loved that year of school. Amusingly, when you consider how much I hate math today, my favorite subject that year was math. My teacher made it fun with Wanda Ones, Tommy Tens and Harry Hundreds. We earned ourselves a banana split day through our successes (something that would be horribly, horribly frowned upon with our striving to “eat healthier” in school) and however many challenges we successfully completed decided how many toppings we had on our banana splits. Some of my classmates hardly had a banana and a couple scoops of ice cream. Others had every topping we could get. (I was in the later group. SCORE!)

My teacher found fun ways to motivate us to work and to make things stick with us. I loved her. I wanted to be her.

This want stayed strong in me until high school. In 8th grade, we had to sign up for our Freshmen classes. Certain ones were a given, but I ended up with one more elective to fill. A couple girlfriends and I signed up for Journalism. I figured, “Oh that sounds like an easy A!”

It was.

Working hard on getting senior portraits for the yearbook...

But not because it wasn’t a challenge! I had plenty of classmates barely get through that class at all. No, it was an easy A because I fell in love with it. Those hearts I had in my eyes for my second grade teacher turned towards journalism. I loved it. I found my niche! It made sense to me. I won contests in it, and that simply seemed to validate this new love I had found.

I proceeded from that year to throw myself into journalism. I wasn’t sure where I wanted to go in the field, I just knew I wanted to be a part of it. So when I went into college, I took both print and broadcast journalism classes. I was so undecided what I wanted to do!

In hindsight, I wish I’d paid more attention in certain classes, because their lessons would benefit me more today. I wish I’d known then that my focus would some day be working freelance. But instead, I tried to just be a sponge and soak up a little bit of everything. I really wasn’t entirely sure where I was going, still. Just Journalism.

I eventually did get a job in journalism — at a weekly paper in Central Texas. It taught me a lot. Ironically it it taught me less about my strengths and more about my weaknesses. It showed me where I needed to improve. (For that, I am grateful! It ultimately showed me where I wasn’t supposed to be after all.)

Just another day on the job...

One of my biggest, “Can I get that day back to redo it?” moments was a day I went to interview a soldier home on leave. I didn’t know what questions to ask! And it didn’t help that I got the feeling he wasn’t that interested in being interviewed, so every question I asked received very short answers. I found myself trying to lead him to tell me what I wanted to hear for a story. I really, really wish I could go back and redo that one. My biggest failure in interviewing.

Just as it showed me places I was weak, that job also showed me an ignored love. A digital camera landed in my hands for the first time, and I found myself wanting to take some great photos. Some were appreciated. Others weren’t. I found myself remembering how much I’d wanted to take photography in high school, but it never fit in my schedule. It ended up off my radar in college. And with that digital camera in my hand, I found myself wanting to push myself.

While it was a few years after that before I started to go, “Hey, I’m pretty good at this!” I still look back on some of the shots I took while at the newspaper with appreciation.

Today, I want to be a published author. I want to write. I want to take pictures. I also have a love for listening and helping people. And I’m finding I’m pretty good at planning parties. I want to start a family, too. I have so many options still ahead of me for “what I want to be, when I grow up.” And you know what? That’s pretty cool. It’s not just little kids who have the world wide open to them. It’s each and every one of us.

So tell me…

What do you want to be, when YOU grow up?

I’m ba-ack! I was MIA the end of last week as I set up my new laptop. I am TICKLED with it, and so thankful to have it!

I am almost completely transferred over from the old laptop. I’m already so amazed how I no longer get “Not responding” messages, how I can unplug it and it doesn’t die within five minutes, and I can run multiple programs at the same time with no lag!

There’s only one bad thing.

My Photoshop program is incompatible.

Talk about a sick feeling the two times I tried to load it without success. I think I even broke out into a cold sweat for awhile. I might have even paced. And whined. Perhaps a tear was shed.

My point is: I love Photoshop and will not use an inferior program.

My problem: I don’t have $600.

My solution: Taking it old school. Saving bartending money, etc. bit by bit until I have the needed amount. Until then, I’ve downloaded a trial version of Lightroom, so I can see if it interests me. It does! I like what it does! I’m just so stinkin’ LOST using it. I miss my Photoshop!!

I have a goal of some day saving up to have both Lightroom and Photoshop CS5. But for now, my focus is on getting the money together for Photoshop. I need it. I want it. I WILL HAVE IT.

But in the mean time, I am totally enjoying my new laptop. I’ll do my page design stuff on my (ugh) old laptop. Perhaps if I uninstall some of my other RAM hogging programs it’ll run a little better. We’ll see. I’ll make it work! I am determined… I’m finally upgrading into this decade of technology!

I have only one word for it:

YAY!

—

Of course if anyone ever wanted to just give me a copy of Photoshop and/or Lightroom I wouldn’t decline…

  Hey, I had to try!

…want to be a writer. I love words. I’ve always loved words.

I love painting pictures with words. I love telling a story. I love bringing things to life for others with my words. Come on a trip with me, as I tell you my story. I want to encourage you. I want to inspire you. I want to make you laugh. I want to bring tears to your eyes.

I want to be a published author. I want to be a successful blogger. I want to see my name in print behind the word “by.” I want to be a writer when I grow up.

… want to be a photographer. I love to take pictures. I love to capture a moment.

I love to search for a different perspective. I love to make the ordinary pretty. I love to be behind the lens, looking at you from a macro or a zoom. I want to make you say, “Wow!”

I want to take photos at weddings. I want to take photos at concerts. I want to take portraits. I want to take landscapes. I want to take the obscure. I want to see my name in the corner of a print on the wall. I want to be a photographer when I grow up.

… want to be a counselor. I love to study people and their interactions. I’m a listener, and I care.

I don’t see myself going for a degree in counseling, but that doesn’t mean I can’t find a way to still do this. I like to listen and aid others. I like to be a study of people. I find relationships fascinating, and I like the psychology behind them.

More than anything, I want to help others. Even if all I do is listen. I can be a sounding board. I can avoid giving advice until its requested. I want to be a counselor when I grow up.

… want to be a Mom. I thought I’d already be one, but life has a way of showing you how little you are in control.

I was on the fence about having children for years. And still, the idea of being in charge of a little one scares me! But now? Now I definitely do want to be a Mom. I want to experience this joy that all my Mommy friends tell me about… this love, and this adventure.

It still scares me. Financially. Emotionally. Logistically (to a degree). But more than that, it excites me. I want to be a Mom when I grow up.

… want to be the best person I can be. I want to keep to my values. I want to know I did my best.

Two of my greatest fears: letting myself down and letting those closest to me down. I’ve always strived to be the best me I could be, and within that, always be true to myself.

I love knowing I’ve done my best. I love standing behind my work, behind my opinions, behind those I love, behind everything I do. I want to look back on life and have no regrets. I want to know I’ve been the best person I can be when I grow up.

I’ve always had great self-esteem. Oh, I’ve had my moments where its faded for awhile, but on a whole I’m a confident person. Sure of what I want. Sure of who I am. Sure of where I am going.

But I have to admit. I’ve lately had my moments of insecurity.

Suddenly, it seems everywhere I look, I see people doing the same things I do. Maybe that has to do with the fact that I am immersing myself more and more into the blogging, page design and photography worlds. So of COURSE I am going to find more people doing the same thing.

But sometimes, it gets a bit unnerving. Especially when sometimes it feels like everyone is doing it a little bit better than I am. Or they have more resources to get the job done better. It gets a little disheartening at times.

Oh, I’m not letting it stop me from striving towards my goals and dreams. More often than not, I use that to make me work even harder! But once in awhile… I find myself going, “What am I doing? How can I really compete?” And I wallow for awhile in my insecurity.

But every day, I open my blog to write another post. Some days, life gets in the way and it doesn’t get done. But on a whole, I do strive to do it every day. I keep my photo of the day project going, letting it push me towards working harder and getting better. I look at photos and want to figure out, “How’d they do that?”  The same for page design. I don’t let my insecurities hold me back; I let them push me forward. Let them make me work a little harder to over come them.

What are you insecure about? Do you let it hold you back? What can you do to turn that negative into a positive?