Musician's Widow

Enough with the bad news for right now. I don’t want to keep being a downer, when I really am at heart a total optimist! You can’t keep me down for long.

One thing that’s really risen me up is feeling success is within my reach with my writing dreams. I can see it IS possible. I CAN do this.

For the last few months, I’ve been throwing myself into learning more in-depth about my trade(s). Checking out books from the library. Purchasing books. Reading blog after blog after blog. Reading online magazines. Talking to people who are already doing what I want to do.

If I were to ever allow myself regrets in life, one would definitely be putting my dreams and goals of writing for a living on the back burner for the last few years. I’ve coasted along too long, and today I look around me and realize how much further I could be in my career if I’d only gotten more serious a lot sooner.

I can’t, however, beat myself up for long.  Instead, I am throwing myself into my trade with a sheer determination that I’m not sure I’ve quite had since I wanted to make sure I got accepted into Texas A&M University.

I didn’t have a contingency plan then, and I really don’t have much of a contingency plan today.  I got in then. I’m going to succeed today.

Back then, I did my homework. Today, I am doing my homework.

It’s slowly starting to pay off! I’m SO honored to now be a part of the Blogher Publishing Network as well as writing for Blissfully Domestic. I’m an active contributor to Road Widows, and  I have a separate review blog as a work in progress that I hope to go live with in the next week. I have a secondary “business” in the planning stages, and I’ve signed up with a couple affiliate networks. I’m soon going to be going after clients, submitting guest blog posts, and looking for every possible way to further myself.

This is a no-holds-barred fight to see my goals and dreams come true.

I am open to advice. (Except the kind that goes something like, “Don’t do it!” Too late, I’m past the point of no return.) I’m going to continue “stalking” a lot of other bloggers and authors for every kernel of advice and information they are willing to drop along the way.

It’s a twisty road I find myself running along full speed. In places it been well trodden and smooth. In others, its going to be a jungle. I know this… I’m prepared for it. I can do it.

I have no idea what any of us did to July to make it so harsh this year, but whatever it is, I think I speak for almost everyone, we’re sorry!

I’ve mentioned a few things I’ve experienced this month in this blog. And I’ve left other things out. (Perhaps those will come in a later blog entry.) But all around me, I’ve heard tales of tragedy and hardships.

My two best friends have both had cancer strike their families. My “best friend from high school” has a aunt that was diagnosed, and my “best friend from college” had her mother-in-law diagnosed. Both within a day of each other.

A friend here in Nashville has a nephew that has been diagnosed with cancer as well.

An acquaintance from high school had tragedy strike, leaving her brother and a nephew in a burn unit in Dallas. Her other nephew, however, did not survive the accident.

A client of my family’s business had a heart attack and was left in ICU (out of state!) for a few days because of it.

My own nephew, today, is having a doctors appointment in Dallas regarding his Muscular Dystrophy. These regular appointments are key to his doing as well as he has done all these years, but I also know the appointments are stressful and carry a level of uncertainty every time.

All of these events have weighed heavy on my heart. Each event — every single one of them — are valid concerns and stressors. While some may be considered more “severe” than others, it does not lessen the feelings that come with each and every one.

All I can do, all so many of us can do, is simply say a few prayers for strength and comfort for each person and family affected by these negative events.  I often find myself wondering why? Why do these things happen? Why so many all at the same time?

Then I remind myself, sometimes the reason is not for us to know. Or perhaps the reason will come to light in the future. No matter what, we all pull together and help each other. We support each other. And in the end, we grow from these challenges. They make us appreciate the good times more. They make us work a little harder.

Hang in there everyone. We’re all going to get through all our various trials by taking it a day at a time and by leaning on each other. I welcome anyone needing a place to vent or to share their own story –  no matter how trivial or how extreme — in the comments. Sometimes it helps just to talk, and I’m a good listener.

Love, Luck, Living

The phrase “to thine own self be true” has grown to have more and more meaning for me lately. I am quickly learning not to apologize for following my own heart and doing what is best for ME.

Believe it or not, I think this is a fairly hard concept for people to grasp. I’ve said for years that we live in an “all about me” world; one filled with everyone wanting someone else to take the blame for mistakes or everyone wanting to take credit for successes. (I even blame this mentality for the fact that no one uses turn signals anymore!)

However, when it comes to our personal lives and pursuing our heart’s desires, I think so many fall down. We accept that we’re going to fail at our dreams, so why try? Or, almost worse, someone else thinks we should do something else, so to make that person happy, we follow their dreams for us. In other words, we live to make someone else happy. Be it a boss, or a parent, or a friend, or a sibling. Perhaps its a craving for approval that sends so many down this path of unhappiness for self.

I’ve been following the recent upheaval in the college conferences for the last week. Being an Aggie, my concerns are completely focused on what Texas A&M will do when all the dust settles. I am finding that it comes down to one of two things: does A&M go with Texas wherever they go to keep that rivalry alive, or does A&M do its own thing.

Now, I am the biggest fan of traditions. I always believe that we should honor our past, because it has gotten us where we are today. Traditions add an element of stability in an otherwise tumultuous world. Texas A&M thrives on traditions. Our biggest one is probably the rivalry with Texas. Our War Hymn focuses on it. Growing up in Texas, you were either a Longhorn or an Aggie. End of sentence. Those other schools, the ones you might go to when you graduate high school, really didn’t matter. You were still either an Aggie or a Longhorn.

So why is it I sit here today thinking… I would really love to see A&M take its own stance. For the last few days I’ve said, “I’d love to see A&M go to the SEC, but I want the rivalry with Texas to remain alive more.” And I do want that rivalry to continue forward! But as I read the reviews of the changes. As I look at all the cards on the table. My gut screams for A&M to take its own stance. Go the SEC. Take a chance at being greater than, “Texas’ little sister in College Station.” We’ve always held ourselves to a higher standard, and we’ve always claimed to be our own man. Now is our chance to show that to the world.

Perhaps I feel it that strongly, because I find myself at this crossroads myself. And I’ve already chosen the path less traveled.

It’s not a secret. I’ve said it before in here. I’ve said it to friends and family. My husband and I have been financially strapped for awhile now. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at job sites, or how many times I’ve lain awake at night thinking I should just go find the first job offered to me. That thought always gives me a sad pause, because I know my dreams. I know my goals. And I know giving in to the path of least resistance is not the way to make those dreams happen. Choosing the quick fix doesn’t take care of my family down the road, nor does it make me truly happy.

Things are looking up

So, I have opted to run forward with my dreams full speed, and as a result I find those dreams running ahead of me. I’m just trying to keep up!

Anyone who has been on my blog on the last couple of days may have noticed a few glitches. Its because I’ve moved my blog to its own domain name (http://www.musicianswidow.com) and, as a friend said, “You’re a brand now!” I guess I am! I’m super excited about all the possibilities that lay ahead of me within all of this.  I’ve also found my confidence in my design work, and its no longer a case of me admitting what I can’t do. Its a case of me saying, “I can figure that out. Lets do it!”

The other night, I was writing an email out to a friend. A “what are you up to?” kind of thing. And as I talked about my dreams and goals, they no longer felt so far away. They felt like they were right here with me. I’m ON that path! I felt an excitement and joy professionally that I’ve not felt in far too long.

I’ve run into people lately that I’ve had the distinct impression weren’t happy with my choice to strike out on my own. I didn’t fit the mold they had imagined for me. Or perhaps I’m just realizing how very pessimistic some people can be. Either way, I walked away from my interactions with these people holding on to an even more determined stance.

I refuse to apologize to anyone for striking out on my own. I refuse to fit someone else’s mold.

I am the best possible me. And at the end of the day, that’s all I can and want to be.

I am flying home today. And yet, I’m at home.

I’m blessed with two homes. The one I have with my husband and our crazy, wonderful life in Nashville. The other in Texas where I grew up and where my family is. Like I wrote in a note to my brother tonight, “I have the best of both worlds. I am happy to be going, but I am sad to be leaving.”

How wonderful a feeling, to know you have two places that you are loved and that you call “home.” I am truly blessed and so very thankful.

Today, as I fly home to Nashville, I wanted to pass along a challenge for today to be a day for Random Acts of Kindness.

See, my sister-in-law’s second cousin was killed in a car accident last month.

She was only 16.

Today would have been her 17th birthday.

I didn’t know Lauren personally, but I know she meant a the world to her family and friends. I’ve read and heard many stories in the last few weeks about the good she did in her short life — kindness that many of us dream to aspire to do, and yet somehow often will fall short.

Her loved ones decided a way to honor her memory would be to make what would have been her birthday be a day to commit “random acts of kindness” in Lauren’s memory.

[Article from KBTX - Bryan/College Station about the movement.]

This world is so filled with an “all about me” mentality. I think a day to focus on someone else would be refreshing. And to have to be in memory of a life cut short? Well, that’s an added bonus.

I will be flying from Austin, TX to Nashville, TN today. And I fully intend that somewhere in between — or perhaps a few times in between — to participate in this day of good deeds…

Won’t you join us?

Last week, when I flew from Austin to Nashville, I was treated to an overbooked flight full of small children. I was even that lucky passenger who ended up with the screaming child who kicked the back of my seat the entire flight. I figured I dare not complain, because it’ll be my luck it’ll be MY child screaming and kicking in a few years. I hoped deep down my lack of (visible) irritation might earn me some good karma points for the future.

Prior to boarding, it was pretty impossible to miss the gate crawling with children. I groaned, but soon one family caught my attention. I was afforded some wonderful little-people-watching.

I watched as a dad lead three kids to the windows so they could watch the planes come and go. His brood consisted of two boys, approximately ages 6 and 5, and a little girl who had to be shooting for 2 years old. The mom was no where to be seen for a long time, and I was filled with admiration at the dad’s patience. He was the picture of calm! The two boys were pretty self-sufficient. The little girl, though, was this whirlwind bundle of energy. Dad was constantly trying to let her be free without letting her get away.

At one point, though, things were a bit calmer around the gate, and Dad let the little girl run a little further. Her eyes shined bright and her smile was wide as this big expanse of carpet opened in front of her. Without hesitation, she threw her tiny body in the direction of “freedom” only to quickly get tangled up in her own feet. Down she went.

I waited for the tears to start, but instead this look of shock came over her face. Her mouth going from a smile to a shocked,  “Oh!” She blinked as if she were confused by her fall. Soon, two strong arms scooped her back up to her feet, as Dad lifted her up, set her down, and without hesitation she was off again without fear. This time, she got all the way across the open area.

Right away, I was struck by this realization. Even today, at 29, I’m still that little girl. We all are from time to time.

Life opens up a door, and we look out across this open area. And with bright shining eyes, we run towards it only to get tripped up — often by our feet. We haven’t fully prepared for this opportunity, or perhaps some mistake from the past sneaks up to bite us. Maybe we actually suddenly second-guess our own abilities.

Out of no where, strong arms come to scoop us up. Those arms could literally be a hug (or a bit of advice, or even a loan) from a parent. Perhaps its an encouraging word from a friend. Maybe its even as simple as a smile from a stranger that gives us a boost in our attitude.

However, its in that instant that we have a choice. We can give up and decide instead to ask someone to carry us. Perhaps we can just sit down where we are and give up.  Or we can decide to run. To take that encouragement and aid and decide to run towards our goal and opportunity in our life at full speed, un-afraid of falling again.

I was left sitting for the whole flight chewing on this revelation. How many times have I opted to give up? How many times have I taken the lift up and continued to run? And will I have the nerve to run again and again towards my goals?

I hope any time I think about sitting down and giving up I’ll think about that bright eyed little girl with no fear of falling. Who after falling down, getting up and running across the room continued to be adventurous. Who tripped over luggage and her own feet, only to get up and try again. Who only cried at the top of her lungs when she was strapped back in her stroller, because all she wanted to do was keep going. She was determined to not be stopped.

I want to have that little girl’s energy and ambition.

I will have it.

I thought about calling this, “How to be sick,” because on Friday I was lamenting that I don’t know HOW to be sick. Here it is Tuesday, and I still don’t know how to be sick. There is no how. There is only… am.

Every year for the last several years, I’ve battled my share of sinus infections. The random stomach virus would attack. Occasional migraine headaches. This last weekend, I think, seriously took the cake. I think perhaps the last time I can remember feeling that bad would have to have been Sophomore year of high school when I got the flu and ran 100+ fever.

This time, though, there was no fever. Only aches and pain. Best I can tell, it was a stomach flu, followed by a migraine, followed by a sinus infection. I was still as of yesterday, Monday, not at full speed. In fact I only just finally got an antibiotic, and I feel I am truly on the mend.

Being sick stinks!! I’ve missed out on so much! I don’t like being confined to a bed or couch out of pure lack of energy and/or strength. I don’t like having a hot shower zap all of my day’s energy. I don’t like not being able to eat.

I do like, though, that I lost 4 pounds and my jeans fit way better. That’s kind of nice.

But now I am at that weird point. I’m still weak, and yet resting makes me feel worse. I am at that point of having to push past it. When I want to lay down, don’t. When I want a dose of Advil, don’t. When I want to hide from the world, don’t. If I don’t ever just keep pushing, I’ll never regain my strength and be back to me again.

I miss me.

I don’t DO sick.

I don’t want to know how to be sick. I only want to be well. And that’s my goal. To be well. To be happy and healthy.

I can do it.

———–

Apologies extended to all my fellow Weekly Winner’s participants. I never am one to post my link and disappear. However, I did good to even post my link. I owe you all double comments on your posts for weeks to come.

Lent. The period of time between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday. The 40 days of preparation for Jesus’s resurrection.

I’ve been amazed by how many people are participating in “giving something up for Lent” this year, and it’s really made me feel good and hopeful. It’s been several years since I seriously gave something up for Lent. I’ve, year after year, set out with something in mind only to have to fall by the wayside a few weeks in. I’ve even failed to follow not having meat on Fridays!

Tonight at a buffet. A brother and a sister filling cups of ice cream. Little Boy: “OH NO! We weren’t to have any sweets!” Little Girl looking at her bowl of ice cream: “Oh well!”

I had to laugh at that exchange to myself. It was about when I was that little girl’s age that I, too, gave up candy for Lent. I made it! I slipped up by having a chocolate mint after supper one night, but I justified it by saying it was for fresh breath. Funny how I remember that so clearly.

This year, for some reason, I’m approaching Lent with a whole new (or perhaps a very old) frame of mind. I’m going at it full force. I even found out about Stations of the Cross in Nashville, and I hope I can make it one weekend.

I’ve decided to give up Dr. Pepper and Beer for Lent. The beer won’t be too tough. When I am at my parent’s house, I just don’t drink it much. It’ll be difficult, though, when I go home, as its just the thing to have when socializing. The Dr. Pepper, however, has already proven difficult. I saw a real sugar Dr. Pepper today, and I itched to grab it.

I’ve thought of a third thing to do for Lent, and I think I’m going to go for it. Even though I’m technically starting it a few days late. To write a blog entry every day of Lent. THIS will be the tough one, as some days I’m just too tired to be creative. Other days, I frankly just don’t have time. But in the spirit of my last entry, I think its a challenge I need to take on for myself.

So brace yourself. Time to put this blog on 10.

Or rather 40.