Musician's Widow

We made it home to Nashville from Texas yesterday morning. The 13 hour drive seemed longer than usual, and I attribute that partly to our lack of being in any hurry to come back. We just had that fabulous of a time!

Our plans to head to Oregon for Christmas were canceled thanks to budget concerns and the crazy-high prices of flights at the holidays. So we instead headed to Texas to spend the holiday with my family. Amusingly, the weather, for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, was all Oregon. Misty rain and cold. But our visit ended with warmer temps and sunshine.

I have to say… there was just something about this Christmas. It was so relaxed! It was just filled with this wonderful peace and joy. Its impossible to explain, but it was a special trip for sure. And while my husband and I knew we had to make the trip back home to Nashville to work this weekend, we just couldn’t get motivated to actually leave. We put it off as long as we could before making the long drive back.

Now, any time I am back in Texas, I have this little (okay maybe its kind of long) list of places I’d love to visit and things I’d like to do. I usually do good to knock one or two of the items off the list. This trip? I knocked off more than my fair share of things!

I got to see family, of course. Quality time with my parents, brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew is priceless, and always at the very top of the list. I have cousins I’d really like to get to spend time with as well, but those visits tend to be rare just due to time constraints. I got to see one of my girl friends to do a quick gift exchange. But friends’ visits will have to wait until I am down for an extended period of time for tax season. And that’s okay… we can spend more time than the rushed visits of the holidays.

Food: Whataburger! Freebirds! Mexican food in general! Green’s Sausage House! Czech Stop! Hiway 77 Cafe! Blue Bell and Dr Pepper! (Granted I can get both of those in Nashville, too, but they just taste better when actually IN Texas.) Places: Aggieland! Frenstat, where my husband and I got married, and where my grandparents are all buried. Cavender’s Boot City!

I got to do all of these things! Crazy cool, I gotta admit. Oh, I always leave things left undone. We wanted to go for a drive in my old truck from high school. There are various people we would love to go visit. And there are locations we always want to take time to explore, but we rarely have time to do so.

But you know, that’s a good thing. I would hate to ever leave not wanting more time.

Time visiting Texas is precious to me. Nashville is definitely home, but I’m a Texan at heart for life. And a Texas Christmas? Well… that’s just something super special to me. Now I look ahead to a planned trip to Oregon in the next couple of months. Ready to go experience my husband’s home with him and embrace his list of things to do. Bring it on!

Christmas is a joyous time of year. Celebrating the birth of Jesus. Enjoying time with family and friends. Finding a moment of peace here on Earth. However, this Christmas I’ve acknowledged the sting of loss during this season. Just yesterday, I learned of two deaths, and my heart ached for their families left behind.

One was a regular at the bar I work at… a kind man who you could depend on for anything. He was our resident carpenter. Sometimes I think the bar was still standing thanks to him. He took many under his wings, standing in as a father figure to many. He had a genuine smile, and was quiet. Often times you didn’t know what he was thinking, but when you’d get to talk to him you’d be revealed a wealth of knowledge. He and my husband became friends after learning they were both Freemasons. When I would work in the hot dog stand, he’d come buy out the candy bars, often leaving me a nice tip. (Even when I’d carefully return him change to avoid it, he’d chide me and tell me to break the big bills down into smaller bills.) His want to buy all the candy to give to the bartenders and waitresses next door made me smile… his kindness unmistakable.

When I received word that he had a massive stroke, with 0% chance of survival, my heart stopped for a moment. And when I heard word he had been taken off life support and had passed away, my heart ached deeply for his children, left two days before Christmas without their Dad… a man who was truly an angel walking here on Earth.

Then later, I learned a woman who graduated a few years ahead of me — her sister a classmate of mine — passed away suddenly yesterday morning. Scouring Facebook for more details, my heart once again ached for the two beautiful little girls left this Christmas without their Mom. This woman posted just Tuesday that she couldn’t wait for Friday, I presume to start her Christmas celebrations. I was struck by life’s cruel irony that Friday would instead be her last day here on Earth. I dropped a note to her sister, but words just seemed cheap at this moment.

This all comes on top of learning about deaths in car accidents (specifically a Texas A&M football player earlier this week), and loss of homes. Death. Loss of any kind. They all sting. But their sting is just a bit sharper. Just a bit more bitter in this time of joy all around.

I pray for strength for these families dealing with their losses. I pray they can still find joy in Christmas, even if its a bittersweet joy. Similarly, I hope those who lost loved ones throughout the last year can find ways to honor their lost loved one, but still see the peace of the holiday. The hope and joy its meant to bring.

My grandma always loved Christmas. The family would gather. Songs were sung; poems were read. Gifts were shared, and food… oh all the food. My parents now live in what was my grandparent’s house, and even though they’ve been in this house for 10 years now — it being my home as well for over half that time — I still will get a moment of pause remembering memories of times lost past, especially here at Christmas. Just today I had one of those brief moments walking through the dining room. For a split second it was as if I stepped back in time, and instead of at Mom and Dad’s house, I was in Grandma’s house and it was time to start preparing for our Christmas dinner soon. I didn’t want to shake the feeling off. I wanted to revel in it. I wanted to remember with a smile.

I hope those facing their deep loss this Christmas will one day do the same; they’ll not look at Christmas with sadness but with the joy of those beautiful memories made before this sadness hit them. God Bless them all and give them strength.

Let’s all take a moment this Christmas to enjoy those we love a little more than usual. To file away those happy memories for the future. They are more priceless than any physical gift could ever hope to be…

Dear Santa,

Tomorrow your big night arrives. Hope you are ready!!

Sorry to be writing so late. That seems to be a trend for me this season. My Christmas Cards will go out days after Christmas, too. So I guess I’m doing good to write this before the big day at all!

I have so much to be thankful for this year. It’s been a wonderful rebuilding and healing year for us. We are entering 2012 with a confidence we haven’t had in a few years. I am excited to see where this year takes us… I am so very optimistic!

So I write to you with a heart full of hope and the belief that the magic of Christmas will continue to hold true. That it will be as amazing as it ever has been!

Christmas isn’t just for little kids. They, of course, have a far more innocent view of it. I miss that innocence, that feeling the big day will just never get here. These days, the holidays sneak up on me and I’m left lamenting how I am not ready! How I need more time to prepare, to get into the spirit of the season.

Luckily, despite being amazed Christmas is already here, I am sufficiently into the spirit of the season. I’m ready for lots of food, gifts, carols, laughter, and the birth of baby Jesus.

If you have a little room in your sleigh, could you hook me up with some more camera gear? Lenses, flashes, etc. I want it all! And some jeans? Maybe some cute sweaters and new boots? Could you throw a receptor in for my husband? He’s been wanting one for years now. If you can’t do the camera gear and receptor, could you slip some plane tickets to Oregon for us for February? Or just some money towards it? It’s been three years since we got to visit friends and family up there. We are long over due for it. I’d love a few new CDs or just an iTunes giftcard. Finally, we are due some new phones. In fact, we can upgrade our phones next week, but if you wanted to throw a couple iPhones in your bag for us… I wouldn’t complain one bit.

You know what, though? If you just take good care of my niece and nephew, I’ll be happy. Spoil them tomorrow night. We’ll figure out the rest.

Safe travels, Santa. I’ll be going to midnight mass, and I’ll look for you in the skies on my way home afterwards.

Love,

Denise

It finally happened. I finally procrastinated so  long that my Christmas cards will be sent out after Christmas.

The last several years, my cards hit the mail around December 5th. I’m one of those early birds. Our picture would be taken at one of our birthdays, the cards would be ordered pronto, and I could knock that little task off my list quickly.

This year? This year, we didn’t even take our picture until LAST WEEK. But, I figured it was no big deal. The printing company I always use is super fast. In fact, I never have to pay for expedited shipping, because I ALWAYS get my orders within 4 days of ordering. Always. Whether I pay $8 for shipping or $21 for shipping. Only 4 days. I can almost set my watch by it.

So, of course, I ordered my cards, paid for the $8 shipping, and I felt sure that by this moment in time I’d have my cards on their way to friends and family.

Nope! Not this time! Every time I check their status, my cards are “printing.” At this point, even if they shipped today, I wouldn’t get them in time to make it to their various destinations before Christmas Day.

So, I guess everyone will get their cards from us after Christmas. I’ll just tell myself and others that I did that on purpose. You know, extend the holiday. It sounds good to me, at least.

And next year? Next year I might order my cards by November 1st. Maybe our Christmas picture will be in our Halloween costumes.  Yeah… that sounds good to me.

Our stockings are hung by the chimney with care...

My husband and I started the process of decorating for Christmas. Informed that our neighborhood goes “all out” at Christmas, we realized we’d need to step it up a bit this year.

We headed to the store and picked up a few items we knew we’d need. A few new strings of lights, some extension cords, and a spotlight for a new cutout we have to set out in the yard. Then when we got home, we dug out all the boxes of decorations we already had.

I started to go through the boxes, getting a few things out to go ahead and put up in the house and getting other things ready to put up later. As I dug into the biggest box of decor, my heart sank.

Earlier this year, our basement flooded with about two inches of water. I wasn’t the least bit worried about the big plastic tote we had our decorations stored in safely. Everything would stay dry.

I had no idea, the bottom of the tote had cracked. Decorations that hold countless sentimental memories for me were either covered in mold or their boxes were practically eaten through with mold. I briefly reminded myself that this was nothing like the May 2011 flood that people went through here in Nashville, but still… as I threw out a few items that just couldn’t be salvaged, my heart broke a little. As I carefully cleaned the nutcrackers that were my grandmas, I realized there is a good chance this could be their last year if I didn’t get it all cleared off their bright red and green painted uniforms.

Several ornaments that were salvageable had boxes that were not… boxes that had the years I’d gotten them written on them. I threw the boxes in the trash with a sigh, but was grateful the ornament inside was okay.

Tomorrow I will go through ornaments that look okay from the outside. I’ll find out if they’ll join ones that weren’t okay.

Oh, I know I could look at it as an excuse to buy new decorations. But for me, Christmas is more about MAYBE buying one or two new items, using the old, well-loved decorations year after year. It’s a time to remember our past and the loved ones tied to those items. Ornaments exchanged with friends through the years. Decorations passed down from my parents and grandparents. Newer ones, bought or received as newlyweds. Christmas isn’t about whats new… its more about what’s old to me. Making the day’s mold discovery downright devastating.

It’s not the end of my world, though. I salvaged well over 3/4 of my decorations, but I am braced for some to not make it another year in case any mold was missed in my cleaning. I’ll just enjoy them extra this year, and reminisce to my heart’s desire.