Category Archives: road widows

anniversary, road widows

Our 10th Anniversary

I still remember so clearly, right after we got engaged, being asked when we thought our wedding would be. Without hesitation I said January. It wasn’t that I dreamed of getting married in January, it was purely practical… with my husband-to-be a touring musician, I knew January was the one month that my odds of having him home was greatest. He wouldn’t have to sub-out his gig to get married, and we’d probably actually get to spend anniversaries together.

It worked up to, ironically, today: our 10th Wedding Anniversary.

We got just a little winter precipitation, so I marked the occasion in the white, soft snow.

The week leading up to our wedding, the artist he was playing for had rehearsals. It was one of maybe five times in the last 10 years that I stomped my foot and refused to “compromise.” My groom would be in Texas with me… they had a year notice about our wedding and they could just figure it out. (And they did, and it was fine.)

Our second anniversary, my husband left that afternoon on the road. But he was home for the first half of the day, and we celebrated then.

Otherwise, our anniversaries have been everything from trips, to fancy dinners, to a quiet night at home, to a night out with friends. All of them together.

I took the photo for this year a few days ago while we were out so I could play with a camera I had rented for the holidays. We’ll take a second photo after he gets off the road and we celebrate the special milestone in our marriage.

My husband was so surprised when I encouraged him to take a drive that took him away from home on our anniversary, though.  This is a big one! Why would we be  apart on it?

It’s just our life. Bills still need to be paid, and our life happens to be one that requires us to be apart to “make ends meet.” We’ve missed plenty of holidays (with the exception for Christmas and New Years Eve… see that whole moments-of-not-compromising thing) and birthdays. We’ve never gone to a wedding together. We do what we have to do to take care of each other.

And isn’t that what we said in our vows on that warm January afternoon 10 years ago? We vowed to take care of each other. To love each other. In sickness and in health. For richer or poorer. We do what we have to do to take care of each other… and that often means being apart on special events.

Photo by AJW Photo

The most special event, however, was definitely the event 10 years ago, when we said, “I do.” Since then, life has been an adventure. As I look back over the last decade, I focus on the good stuff and learn from the… not so good. We’ve had our struggles, but they’ve made us stronger and taught us more about ourselves, each other and life itself.

I know I couldn’t ask for a better partner with which to navigate life. And as we continue to build our life together, we will continue to be stronger and fall more and more in love every day, every year, every failure and every success. Because we are a team… and we are always stronger together. Even if it means having to be apart now and then.

Christmas 2016

I love you, Craig. You are my world, my rock, and love. Happy Anniversary! Here’s to many, many more years ahead. Hurry home…

#WomensLives, road widows

#WomensLives :: Positive drowning out the negative

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I’ve learned more and more recently that there is a serious strength in numbers, and I find myself spending a majority of my time online chatting in one Facebook group or another.

One group that I am extremely proud and honored to be a part of is Road Widows. We are the wives (fiances, long-time girlfriends, etc.) of men who play music or work as crew guys on the road. My husband being a touring musician is what spurred the name of THIS blog, and Road Widows just expounds on it. We use the name much like there are “golf widows” and “hunting widows.” (A legitimate use of the word “widow” from the dictionary!!) We are happily married, but we’ve also learned how to manage everything on our own.

roadwidowsbanner

The women who participate and draw strength from our group inspire me, and they keep me wanting to keep the group going. The women who come to us in the dark days — the days they aren’t sure they can stand by their man any more as he travels the country (or the world!) for work — and suddenly no longer feel lonely and find the way to push through the darkness.

Now, there is a little irony in the timing of what happened this week, as we (the writers for the Road Widows blog) had just decided to migrate from a Facebook page (public) to a private group where all the women could talk freely and openly without fear of judgement or attack. Where they can talk fans, fears and loneliness. We’ve all grown so busy that getting together in person has become a juggle, so perhaps instead of dishing over margaritas and tacos, we can dish in our down time online.

The very day we announced the creation of the private group, we dealt with what I can only describe as an Internet Bully. A troll, perhaps. But for me, it was a classic bully.

…this is the most ignorant thing i’ve ever seen/ heard of in my life… they wrote

…please, do your doomed selves a HUGE favor, and quit considering yourselves as being the victim. You are your own worst enemy. 

My head was spinning.

This page is an insult to touring musicians…

Okay now I was angry.

The post was quickly followed by a barrage of comments from what I assume are friends of the original poster supporting their point of view and further hammering nails into my heart.

I was angry. I wanted to sob my heart out. I wanted to scream at these people and call them names. (Okay, I totally did just that to my poor husband who became my sounding board.) This group I am so passionate about and love deeply was being insulted and attacked viciously. Why? Because they saw the word “widow” and took it very, very literally.

They didn’t bother to read any of our posts. They didn’t bother to read the many words of thanks from women all across the country who felt relief to find other women living the same lifestyle they were. And in a round about way, they were telling us to shut up.

Instead, I took a deep breath and tried to take the high road. My fellow contributors did the same. We responded as tactfully as possible, but we also didn’t lie down and just take it. Nor did we ignore it. Eventually, our followers started to chime in and the tide began to turn. The love and support began to drown out the negative words.

This page brought me help when I struggled hardest…

Yes! This! I swear if I wrote a mission statement for our group it would be to do just that.

I think it’s great to have a safe place to look and see that we are not the only crazy ones that have chosen this lifestyle.

And of course there is that, too.

I find great support and understanding in this page. I genuine thank you for creating it and being proud of it enough to share it.

We aren’t sure when or why the original post was deleted. I only have the text from having saved it prior to it being deleted. I like to think the positive completely drowned out the negative.  I like to think that the fact that we didn’t shut up but instead stood up for ourselves was an unexpected reaction.

Together we are stronger when we lift each other up. And this amazing, amazing group of women did just that this week and continue to do so every day. We are strong. We are confident. We are incredible.

How have you handled people in the past that decided to judge and critique you without bothering to know you? Did you have a support system to “have your back” in such a case?

#womenslives#WomensLives is a media partnership between Public Radio International (PRI) and SheKnows Media, BlogHer‘s parent company, aiming to change the portrayal and coverage of women in media. I felt our standing up for ourselves fell right in line with this initiative. 

In 1 Week, Hundreds of Women Stood Up to Change the News. You Can, Too.