Musician's Widow

Last week, when I flew from Austin to Nashville, I was treated to an overbooked flight full of small children. I was even that lucky passenger who ended up with the screaming child who kicked the back of my seat the entire flight. I figured I dare not complain, because it’ll be my luck it’ll be MY child screaming and kicking in a few years. I hoped deep down my lack of (visible) irritation might earn me some good karma points for the future.

Prior to boarding, it was pretty impossible to miss the gate crawling with children. I groaned, but soon one family caught my attention. I was afforded some wonderful little-people-watching.

I watched as a dad lead three kids to the windows so they could watch the planes come and go. His brood consisted of two boys, approximately ages 6 and 5, and a little girl who had to be shooting for 2 years old. The mom was no where to be seen for a long time, and I was filled with admiration at the dad’s patience. He was the picture of calm! The two boys were pretty self-sufficient. The little girl, though, was this whirlwind bundle of energy. Dad was constantly trying to let her be free without letting her get away.

At one point, though, things were a bit calmer around the gate, and Dad let the little girl run a little further. Her eyes shined bright and her smile was wide as this big expanse of carpet opened in front of her. Without hesitation, she threw her tiny body in the direction of “freedom” only to quickly get tangled up in her own feet. Down she went.

I waited for the tears to start, but instead this look of shock came over her face. Her mouth going from a smile to a shocked,  “Oh!” She blinked as if she were confused by her fall. Soon, two strong arms scooped her back up to her feet, as Dad lifted her up, set her down, and without hesitation she was off again without fear. This time, she got all the way across the open area.

Right away, I was struck by this realization. Even today, at 29, I’m still that little girl. We all are from time to time.

Life opens up a door, and we look out across this open area. And with bright shining eyes, we run towards it only to get tripped up — often by our feet. We haven’t fully prepared for this opportunity, or perhaps some mistake from the past sneaks up to bite us. Maybe we actually suddenly second-guess our own abilities.

Out of no where, strong arms come to scoop us up. Those arms could literally be a hug (or a bit of advice, or even a loan) from a parent. Perhaps its an encouraging word from a friend. Maybe its even as simple as a smile from a stranger that gives us a boost in our attitude.

However, its in that instant that we have a choice. We can give up and decide instead to ask someone to carry us. Perhaps we can just sit down where we are and give up.  Or we can decide to run. To take that encouragement and aid and decide to run towards our goal and opportunity in our life at full speed, un-afraid of falling again.

I was left sitting for the whole flight chewing on this revelation. How many times have I opted to give up? How many times have I taken the lift up and continued to run? And will I have the nerve to run again and again towards my goals?

I hope any time I think about sitting down and giving up I’ll think about that bright eyed little girl with no fear of falling. Who after falling down, getting up and running across the room continued to be adventurous. Who tripped over luggage and her own feet, only to get up and try again. Who only cried at the top of her lungs when she was strapped back in her stroller, because all she wanted to do was keep going. She was determined to not be stopped.

I want to have that little girl’s energy and ambition.

I will have it.

I thought about calling this, “How to be sick,” because on Friday I was lamenting that I don’t know HOW to be sick. Here it is Tuesday, and I still don’t know how to be sick. There is no how. There is only… am.

Every year for the last several years, I’ve battled my share of sinus infections. The random stomach virus would attack. Occasional migraine headaches. This last weekend, I think, seriously took the cake. I think perhaps the last time I can remember feeling that bad would have to have been Sophomore year of high school when I got the flu and ran 100+ fever.

This time, though, there was no fever. Only aches and pain. Best I can tell, it was a stomach flu, followed by a migraine, followed by a sinus infection. I was still as of yesterday, Monday, not at full speed. In fact I only just finally got an antibiotic, and I feel I am truly on the mend.

Being sick stinks!! I’ve missed out on so much! I don’t like being confined to a bed or couch out of pure lack of energy and/or strength. I don’t like having a hot shower zap all of my day’s energy. I don’t like not being able to eat.

I do like, though, that I lost 4 pounds and my jeans fit way better. That’s kind of nice.

But now I am at that weird point. I’m still weak, and yet resting makes me feel worse. I am at that point of having to push past it. When I want to lay down, don’t. When I want a dose of Advil, don’t. When I want to hide from the world, don’t. If I don’t ever just keep pushing, I’ll never regain my strength and be back to me again.

I miss me.

I don’t DO sick.

I don’t want to know how to be sick. I only want to be well. And that’s my goal. To be well. To be happy and healthy.

I can do it.

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Apologies extended to all my fellow Weekly Winner’s participants. I never am one to post my link and disappear. However, I did good to even post my link. I owe you all double comments on your posts for weeks to come.

Lent. The period of time between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday. The 40 days of preparation for Jesus’s resurrection.

I’ve been amazed by how many people are participating in “giving something up for Lent” this year, and it’s really made me feel good and hopeful. It’s been several years since I seriously gave something up for Lent. I’ve, year after year, set out with something in mind only to have to fall by the wayside a few weeks in. I’ve even failed to follow not having meat on Fridays!

Tonight at a buffet. A brother and a sister filling cups of ice cream. Little Boy: “OH NO! We weren’t to have any sweets!” Little Girl looking at her bowl of ice cream: “Oh well!”

I had to laugh at that exchange to myself. It was about when I was that little girl’s age that I, too, gave up candy for Lent. I made it! I slipped up by having a chocolate mint after supper one night, but I justified it by saying it was for fresh breath. Funny how I remember that so clearly.

This year, for some reason, I’m approaching Lent with a whole new (or perhaps a very old) frame of mind. I’m going at it full force. I even found out about Stations of the Cross in Nashville, and I hope I can make it one weekend.

I’ve decided to give up Dr. Pepper and Beer for Lent. The beer won’t be too tough. When I am at my parent’s house, I just don’t drink it much. It’ll be difficult, though, when I go home, as its just the thing to have when socializing. The Dr. Pepper, however, has already proven difficult. I saw a real sugar Dr. Pepper today, and I itched to grab it.

I’ve thought of a third thing to do for Lent, and I think I’m going to go for it. Even though I’m technically starting it a few days late. To write a blog entry every day of Lent. THIS will be the tough one, as some days I’m just too tired to be creative. Other days, I frankly just don’t have time. But in the spirit of my last entry, I think its a challenge I need to take on for myself.

So brace yourself. Time to put this blog on 10.

Or rather 40.

I’m trying really, really, really hard to be in the Christmas spirit this year. And as I look around me, I see that to be true for so many people this year.

I got laid off last Thursday. Two weeks before Christmas. TWO WEEKS! Now how do you tell a 7-year-old Santa lost his job before he’d finished his shopping? — A friend

It seems like the true pain of the economy has struck many this holiday season. Funds are low. Bills are high. Christmas dreams seem almost impossible to be dreamed. These woes have been fact for many for years, but for others its a new experience. I know I find myself with a deeper appreciation for my ancestors who survived The Great Depression.

As the press spends airtime trying to convince us all that the economy is getting better. That the recession it taking a turn. That its okay to spend money again. I call BS. If anything, now is the time we’re all feeling the pinch more than ever. That the true collapse of our economy has begun to settle, and we’re all looking around at the pieces around us. Pieces that come in the form of bills we can’t pay. Homes that today sit empty. Unemployment numbers that have reached near record highs.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle in their journey. – Author Unknown

A friend wrote that quote as their status update on Facebook tonight, and that really made me stop and think. It’s very true. We all have our own battles to fight every day. Some are facing potential job loss. Others are trying to find a job. I know of people who have family members in the hospital fighting for their lives. We are still hearing stories of families losing members — children — to the H1N1 flu virus.

We all have our crosses to bear. And in a season in which we’re all encouraged to be a little kinder to each other, it seems that this year that need is a little greater. Smiles need to be a little brighter. Hugs need to hold on a little tighter. Transgressions of the past year need to be forgiven. Time spent counting our many blessings needs to be taken a little more often.

Losing the spirit of the season only hurts you more. I was happy to address and mail Christmas cards, even as I grumbled about the postage hike that made it a little more difficult to afford. I couldn’t pass up participating in a recent “Dirty Santa” game at a Christmas Party… the laughter and friendship that occurs in a game like that is priceless. It’s memories that keep you warm in your heart all year long.

I have been so blessed lately to be surrounded by dear friends, and I look forward to a trip to spend Christmas with family. I can’t wait for midnight mass — a chance to truly remember the reason for this season. And even when life and my own personal “battles” get me down, I’m reminded to take a moment and let this season sink into my heart. It’s a time for joy. For family and friends. For hope. For love. For faith.

Perhaps even for a little magic. Christmas magic. That thing that takes the holiday doldrums and turns them into holiday cheer… I, personally, believe in magic.

Don’t you?

Day 365 -- My final image

This project started out as simply something fun to do. A friend had recently done a 365, and it intrigued me so much that I felt compelled to start my own.

I read up on the history of Project 365, and I read countless blogs about the project. A few things that stuck out for me about the project were:

1) It would show you through the course of a year the things that are most important to you, because it’ll be the thing(s) you photograph most. If this were the case then I could be called an alcoholic who loves cats. As many pictures of various alcoholic beverages and my cats appeared time and time again.

2) It would make you a better photographer. YES! This is most definitely did. I am amazed by how my skills in photography advanced through the year, and beyond that, how my thirst to learn more about photography also grew. Yes, I am ending my Project 365, but I am in no way ending my interest and education into photography. I want better cameras. I want more opportunities. I will continue on this path that Project 365 took me on.

3) Its a quick glance at the last year. This is so true.

My Project 365 started on my 28th birthday, and I ultimately documented my 29th year of life. I can look back on this project and see precisely where I was on any given day. Some of my photos are simply artistic and truly don’t tell any sort of a story. But a vast majority of them tell me where I was and what I was doing that day. Trips to Texas, Christmas in Oregon. Every single holiday. They are all there in those photos.

As I’ve said, I’m not going into another Project 365 at this time. I will eventually pick up the project again in the future. Perhaps when my first child is born I’ll document their first year. Or something of that nature.

For now, I plan to begin participating in Sarcastic Mom’s Weekly Winners. Should she end that at any time, I will continue on with that plan of action for awhile. So instead of taking a photo every day, I will take pictures throughout the week, and every Sunday (or as close as possible!) Iwill post in this blog my “weekly winners.” In effect, it’ll be a Project 365, only without the pressure of photographing EVERY day, and without the pressure of choosing only one photo each day. It’ll be a week at a time.

Another discovery I made was that I tended to do self portraits on Saturdays. So for my own self, I plan to do a year-long “Self Portrait Saturday” project. 52 photos of myself to document how my looks change over a year. THAT should be fun and scary.

Without further adeau, though, I present to you, My Project 365.

“I’ve learned…. That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.”

– Andy Rooney

I know I’m only 28 — I’ll be 29 in 19 days, feel free to send me presents — but already I see life spinning by faster and faster each year. I remember the year dragging by as a kid, and today I feel like the month is ending before I’ve gotten used to it even BEING that month! Christmas is only two months away, and I still haven’t gotten used to the idea of Fall being here!

This month has been quite busy, and as a result many things I’ve been trying to keep up have once again fallen by the wayside. There’s only so many hours in a day. So many days in a week. So many weeks in a month.

I’m 10 days from NaNoWriMo. I was so jazzed for it at the end of September. Ready to start writing immediately! Now, it’s 10 days away and I can’t fathom how I’m supposed to pull it off. I’ve hardly been keeping up with my Project 365!

Its at this point in which time and ambition collide, and you have to decide which is more important. Succeeding in your goal, or conceding that maybe time just isn’t going to allow it to happen. Which takes precedence?

When in school, there was no option. It didn’t matter if you had an organizational meeting after school, then had a game to go play a couple hours later, and in one class you had to read three chapters and in another write an essay! Sleep suffered, and you got the jobs done.

Today, for me, I am my own boss in many of my projects. And I do find myself to be a pretty relenting boss at times. At others, I’m a total softy on myself and I extend my own deadlines past what I should. (I like sleep these days! What can I say?)

Good thing I’m my only employee! What mixed signals I give!

That being said, I’ve never not attempted a goal. I’ve never given up before I tried, and with that fact I am going to do my best to do NaNoWriMo. Right along side my Project 365, my blog, my jobs, my husband, our home, and everything else! I have to try — time be damned! It’s amazing what a person can do when they put their mind to it. I continue to challenge myself every day to do everything I possibly can and be the best me I can be.