Musician's Widow

I attended my cousin’s bridal shower today. During the shower, we were asked to write marriage advice for the young couple on a note card to later be placed in a book.

Here was my submission:

I joked that I was going to write, “Don’t do it!” which usually garners big chuckles. I’d never truly write that. I love being married and wouldn’t trade my life for anything!

When I got married, we didn’t do any “give the couple advice” thing, but I’ve been to enough showers that did to get an idea that the advice (amount and depth!) changes with how many years you’ve been married, or if you’ve been married at all. So… that being said. What would YOUR advice be to a new young couple… and perhaps tell what is your “status?” Would love to see what others have to say!

Lemming was yesterday’s word of the day for me. I just felt like I spent my day surrounded by them!

Lemming: a member of a large group of people who blindly follow one another on a course of action that will lead to destruction for all of them

It started when I had to go to the bank. As I approached an intersection, I noticed the turn-lane was unusually full. I pulled in anyway — I had to make a left up ahead — but I left about half a car-length between me and the car in front of me.

The light turned green. I noticed two cars make left turns and the rest of us… sat there. It didn’t take me long to figure out that the third car had stalled or something. I waited to see if anyone went around… nothing. Our time with green was running short and still… we all just SAT there. With a glance in my mirror, I pulled out, passed about nine cars, and suddenly became the first in line for the next left arrow.

Now, in some ways you could say that was a very “jerk” thing to do. I saw it as taking initiative. For, you see, after I did that, several other cars followed suit. I refused to just stare at the car in front of me, waiting to do what they did. If I had, I’d have potentially been there at least three more light cycles!

I thought about it later and realized that I want to live my life more like how I drove today. Less “wait and see what others do” and more “taking initiative and pulling ahead of the rest.”

In the evening, I flew out of Nashville International Airport. My gate was at the verrrry end of one concourse. (Always is, right?) Gate C21, squished in with gates C20, C22, C23 and C24. Just as I sat down, it came across that they were changing my gate… to C20. I looked around and realized moving meant going maybe 10 – 20 yards. Nonetheless, about 40 people get up and move. Literally maybe three rows.

I blinked.

I snorted.

I shook my head.

I stayed right were I was, as the people around me shifted… and I suddenly found myself still sitting with flight-mates… just different ones.

Again I sighed to myself. All these people moved because it was implied they might want to do so. Not because they took any time to consider if they actually had to. (Granted there were a few people who really did need to move, because they were seated on the edge of C21 and C22, making it a fairly long distance. But on a whole, over half did not need to move. At all.)

I don’t know. I guess I get frustrated when I run into people not doing anything other than what everyone else is doing. Who aren’t thinking outside the pack and making their own path… or who aren’t standing firm and refusing to be swayed.

I want to be an individual. I want to make my own path. I want to only follow the crowd when it truly is what needs to happen… not just because its easy or implied to be “right.”

Anyone with me??

;-p

I set foot on a plane for the first time when I was 23 years old. Nervous, I listened intently to all the safety procedures. I wanted to know what to do should my plane crash… because, after all, that was guaranteed, right? It was in the fine print along with what it cost to change your tickets and the official airline peanut disclosure (the one notifying you the peanuts contained peanuts.)  Your first flight will crash.

Yeah… no. Didn’t happen (obviously) and in the years since I’ve become that passenger that sits down and opens a book. I might give a cursory glance at the flight attendants as they wave their arms and put the yellow life vest on… but I’ve heard it enough that I can practically say it with them.

I sometimes glance around me to see if I can see any first-timers listening to every word. I remember one flight where, during boarding, a mother ran ahead to take a picture of her daughter taking her first steps on a plane. It was half annoying, half amusing, half what-the-he….

Yes, three halves. Shut up.

The girl was a champ. Her first flight didn’t crash either.

So as I write this, once again I am somewhere between Tennessee and Texas. And as I gaze down at the clouds below us, I can’t help but think to myself… everyone should do this atleast once. Now, granted, if you battle claustrophobia, you might be the exception to my broad sweeping statement. But otherwise… you should do it. Yes, even you, Mr. Afraid-of-heights. That’s what aisle seats are for. Pbththth

But flying is an experience. If you dare and take an window seat, it makes you realize how small you really are in the grand scheme of this earth. As cars and trucks become like ants and the ground a huge quilt of fields, golf courses, houses and baseball diamonds, your own existence is realized as being one little piece of the world’s puzzle.

You encounter such a wide range of people when flying. The businessman, focused on the next big deal. The lover with a dreamy and excited look as they can’t wait to see their special someone (or with tears as they leave them). The family on vacation. The mother with a baby, hoping to not be THAT passenger that gives the entire cabin a headache. The Redneck. The socialite. The loudmouth. The child flying alone after a trip to see grandma (or a parent).

Flying gives you time to quiet your mind. Flying gives you time to read. Flying let’s you befriend a stranger (if you are so inclined.) Flying gives you… you time!

See, flying isn’t just about getting from point A to point B. It’s about the experience. Oh, sure, I’ve had bad experiences… a 7 hour delay (when I could have driven the trip in 3 hours). Terrible seat-mates. Rough landings. The time a woman REFUSED to trade seats so my husband and I could sit together on a 4 hour flight. A cabin full of junior high kids on a trip. Luggage concerns. Etc.

But on a whole, I take the good and shrug off the bad. I enjoy flying. A lot. I wish everyone else did, too, and I urge those non-flyers to try it sometime.

BTW — there isn’t really anything in any fine print about crashing. So stop looking for it and panicking. Sheesh!!

Don’t judge a book by its cover.

Brilliant little line there. I suspect its been used to open countless other blog posts or even books. I suspect we’ve all reminded ourselves of this saying at some point, or we’ve pleaded with someone to be careful of this as well.

Don’t judge me before you know me.

The other day, my husband asked me if I had talked to a fellow music-industry person while we were out for the evening. I told him I hadn’t, but I’d seen them there. He asked why I hadn’t stopped to talk to them, since I’d been making the rounds to make sure I spoke to everyone while I am in town.

I told him it was because I’d gotten the vibe through other encounters that this person didn’t really like me. I said this person usually either clammed up or, often times, left all together when I’d make an extra effort to come say hello. So I opted, this time, to keep a wide berth of them as the night passed.

My husband was surprised. I can (generally) get along with anyone. I wasn’t going to lie and say it didn’t sting a little to have that distinct impression of dislike being sent my way. However, I was going to respect that fact and not make anyone uncomfortable.

I told my husband, “I have a suspicion that its the ‘musician’s wife’ thing. Maybe they’ve had bad experiences with wives and girlfriends on the road, and now they’re not going to give me even half a chance.” After a moment, my husband agreed that that might be the case.

Oh, I’m not going to throw stones nor pat myself on the back. I have my own moments when I find myself being THAT road wife… the one that is a little higher maintenance that normal. Its rare, but it does happen on occasion. Some wives, however, are just generally a little more high maintenance. Others you hardly know exist, they are so independent. I try to walk the line between the two… a little closer to independent, but not too close.

Anyway, I’m only making wild guesses, of course. But the end of the night, no matter what, I felt myself being judged for the cover title, versus for the content. And it stinks when that happens! We all do it, but hopefully we strive not to.

Do you have a time when you’ve felt yourself being judged before someone got to know you?

How do you define yourself? I’ve heard a lot of people hate “about me” sections in which a person lists all their “titles” or “definitions.” Personally, I like them. It simplifies things nicely, and you get a very clear picture of how a person sees themself.

For example, mine might read something like this: I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a niece, and a friend. I am a Fightin’ Texas Aggie. I am a Catholic. I am a writer and fledgling photographer. I am an optimist. I am happy (most of the time – LOL). I am intelligent. I have a lot to learn. I am female. I am 30…

I could go on and on with titles and descriptive words for myself. I’m sure we all could if we took a moment to write down how we see ourselves individually.

If you’re outside of the Nashville area, you may not have heard the latest controversy in the news. A soccer coach at Belmont University found herself without a job recently after announcing she and her same-sex partner are having a baby. It’s ended up being  a big he-said/she-said story, with the focus being the belief that this coach was discriminated against due to her sexual orientation.

When I heard this story, I immediate found myself once again chewing on a somewhat similar story that recently came out of Aggieland, where members of Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Aggies (GLBT) claimed they were harassed at Yell Practice due to their sexual orientation. (A statement that I don’t doubt, to be honest. You have realize its regularly listed as one of the top ten most conservative schools in the country and was recently named by Princeton Review as having the most conservative students. GLBT is going to take awhile to be fully accepted. I’m not saying I agree with that nor that I disagree with that. I’m simply stating it as a fact.)

However, the whole thing sparked a huge debate on various Aggie message boards. I read one thread for awhile until it made my head hurt. Ultimately, it came down to whether or not a homosexual person (or in the Aggie group, an organization) can be accused of wearing their sexual orientation on their sleeve. Whether or not they throw it other’s faces with the hope of causing some sort of scene or controversy.

My response is that… don’t we all do that about whatever thing we feel defines us most? For me, I’m an Aggie. THAT is the thing about myself that I can be accused of throwing in people’s faces. I have my former student sticker on my truck. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wear SOMETHING TAMU on my body (my class ring for one).

My husband is a master mason. He has a sticker on our truck, wears his ring, and regularly will talk about being a “brother” with anyone who asks. It’s what defines him these days along with his musician status.

For years, we discriminated (okay, face it, we still do at times, especially here in the South) against people based on their color of skin. Many have, over the years, been persecuted for their religion. Today’s discrimination du jour seems to be sexual orientation. However at the end of the day, none of these decide if a person is capable of doing a job.

So within that, if I can choose to place a Texas A&M sticker on my truck or my husband can have a Masonic symbol, why shouldn’t someone be allowed to place a rainbow on theirs.  There are people who are pro-life or pro-choice. I’ve seen stickers, buttons and t-shirts about religion, sports, politics and even who is a person’s favorite musician!

We choose to define ourselves one way or another.  However, at the end of the day, what matters most is that others be willing to see past our own personal definitions and get to know us for ALL that we are. Because we are all unique, and we are each the sum of our beliefs and multiple-definitions. I am uniquely me. You are uniquely you. Shouldn’t we all embrace those two simple facts, and take a moment to see each other for all that we each are? I sure think so…

Tonight on ABC’s Nightline, they did a report about tourists who pay to chase tornadoes. I grew up in “tornado alley” and today I still live in an area plagued by tornadoes, the article just made my stomach clinch.

I can understand meteorologists chasing tornadoes. I can understand journalists and photographers. But tourists? WHY?

“For the thrill!” one could say, or perhaps even, “Just to witness mother nature.”

I grew up in school having tornado drills, something that baffled my Pacific Northwest-bred husband. Like everyone has fire drills, we would have tornado drills so we would know what to do should that day come that a tornado came straight at our school. My sophomore year of high school, that threat became very real. We were lucky, but I’ll never forget taking cover in the band hall, praying that the threat would pass us without incident.

When I think of tornadoes, though, Jarrell, Texas crosses my mind. So does Greensburg, Kansas. Good Friday 2009 when Murfreesboro, TN got hit — so close to my house — also pops into my head. (I couldn’t help but look up this list of F5 tornadoes.) Tell any of these people directly affected by these natural disasters that tourists want to chase tornadoes just for giggles, and I believe a good percentage of those people would be just as shocked as I am. Shocked and mildly disgusted.

From photos, I know there is a strange beauty to tornadoes. And their power is humbling. They are also something that regularly causes death and destruction. While people run around to chase them — pay money just to see them in this case — there are hundreds of others praying they are spared. Hundreds of others gripped with fear, in no way taking a thrill from it.

I want to believe that the people who are chasing tornadoes are doing so to help the people being affected. Who are trying to learn about these monsters. Who want to be able to predict them more accurately, or who want to find ways to protect people more effectively. Or who want to be there first to lend a hand to the victims. Not who just want to get a rush from it.

Somehow, deep down in my gut and heart, I can’t get behind the idea of people taking a thrill from the same thing that leaves so many in fear and sadness. I can’t wrap my brain around it…

…I don’t want to wrap my brain around it.