Musician's Widow

I have a private journal I’ve kept up since 2011. Unfortunately, in the past couple of years its just become a place to dump my Twitter feed to for safe keeping. But once upon a time, I wrote in it daily. A few years, I would take the last week of December to do a year-end wrap-up. I’d write about what happened in each given month of the previous year, taking a trip down memory lane.

Eventually, however, that ceased to happen. And since then, I have given each year end a little bit of a cursory nod, but never the kind of attention I once gave. I’d like to say that this year will be different, that I’ll go month-by-month again. But, I can’t say that, because I, frankly, just don’t have time to go that in depth. I do, however, want to give this year some closure.

My  mom sent me an email with a newsletter giving ways to bring closure to the year. In it, Mike Robbins writes about how we need to give one year closure before we jump into the next one with all these hopes for where it will lead.

Last year at this time, we were in the process of moving. I was forced to find closure on the previous three years of living in the house we were in, and I embraced 2011 with hope and optimism as change was going on all around me. My address changed, and so did many ways I viewed various things. This year, though, I feel like I’m just rolling into 2012 without much fanfare. Its just another year. January 1st, just another day. I don’t really have optimism, but I don’t feel dread either. I’m a bit ambivalent to the whole thing.

So perhaps I am one who has a bigger need to find closure to 2011 than I would normally be as a year comes to a close. I thought I’d tackle the four questions found in Robbins’ newsletter.

1) What were my biggest lessons in 2011?

Absolutely the strong difference between want and need was my biggest lesson. This past year was a rebuilding one, financially, for my husband and myself. With that, I also learned the deep satisfaction that comes with paying for items with cash. I learned how to NOT live on credit and instead was reminded what it meant to put your money in a jar (or in my case, a big envelope) until you’d saved up enough money to purchase that great big WANT.

I learned my love for photography really can be more than just a hobby. I found a deep interest in the creative process of bringing music to life, and I discovered a potential market for documenting that process. I caught myself critiquing other’s photos with a better eye than just, “Oh that’s pretty!” and I soak in how other’s approach photography — both in what to do and what NOT to do.

On the writing side, I finally learned and held my first giveaways. I learned about how social networking in person can help you in the online world. I discovered even more strongly the kindred spirits I have in other bloggers.

Medically, I have learned an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. If I will stay on a strict regimen for my sinuses, I won’t be so crippled by infections. You’d think I’d have known that already, but I REALLY learned it this year.

2) What am I most proud of from this past year?

See question 1. I am most proud of the fact that my husband and I ended the year without accruing any new debts. (Outside of an ER bill.)

I am proud that I have embraced myself as a writer and a photographer, not just as “trying to get into it.” I am proud that I’ve kept this blog going and its continuing to pick up traffic and grow consistently. I am super proud of the work I did on Rick’s CD, leading me even deeper down the photography path.

Finally, I am proud of becoming a biggest piece of our work-puzzle. Working more consistently has given me a nice feeling of satisfaction. I’ve met so many interesting people, many of which I’d have never met had I not been behind the bar this year.

3) What were my biggest disappointments in 2011?

I set the bar high for myself. I may not admit that out loud to anyone, but deep down I always set it high. While my blog does continue to grow, its growing slower than I’d like for it to grow. I am disappointed that I haven’t gone to any blogger conferences, nor attended any photo walks. I once again failed to complete NaNoWriMo.

I fully thought I’d be further in making photography profitable for myself, but I have to acknowledge there is still a lot more expense I need to go into first to really get that off the ground. Baby steps… even if I don’t want them to be.

On a personal note, I do wish we were closer to being able to purchase our own house, or maybe be back to two vehicles. And I had hoped we’d be more solidly ready to take steps towards starting a family.

4) What am I ready to let go of from this past year?

My disappointments for the year. They are heavily outweighed by the lessons and successes of the year. When many people look back on 2011, they call it a bust. When I look back on it, I call it a success. Maybe I didn’t grow to the levels I had hoped I would, but I sure didn’t backslide for a change!

But perhaps that is where I don’t feel this big surge into the new year. I didn’t necessarily grow “big time” this past year, but I didn’t backslide. I didn’t stagnate, but I think I easily could do that right now. Just go with the status quo as it stands now, content with where I am for awhile. But I don’t WANT to do that. I want to keep striving forward. I want to keep pushing. I want to build a positive momentum from here on out. And maybe… maybe I am afraid I won’t do that?  Hmm…

5) What else do I need to do or say to be totally complete with 2011?

This might sound bizarre to some people, but I need to clean out my closet. I need to clear out old things physically to be ready to clear them out mentally and emotionally. I may have to actively do this on the 1st since I won’t have time today to do it. But, I need to do something like that…I need to physically let go of things. I need to clean. I need to rearrange a room. Something like that.

⚝

Happy New Year, everyone. See you all in 2012…

Until 3 pm. Yes, I slept until 3 pm yesterday. And I didn’t even get a full 8 hours of sleep in doing so. Why? Because I don’t live on any sort of “normal” schedule. I live on normal-to-me.

I’ve been a bit “off” for years now. I’d say since around the time I moved to Nashville, because I opted to be on my husband’s musician schedule. One that consisted of night shows on the road, or late night shifts downtown. We would joke that, “There’s another 10 o’clock?” Because 10 AM to us was like 4 AM to “day jobbers.”

Ever since I started bartending, its gotten wayyyy worse. Why? Because of that unseen-never-thought-about fact that people who work at the bar don’t go home as soon as the doors close. And depending on the night, I could be headed home as late as 5 AM. (In the summer, I’ve driven home watching the sun rise a time or two.) Keep in mind, 5 AM is like 5 PM to the rest of the world. I get home and sometimes I’m hungry. So I have something to eat. I ALWAYS take a shower before I go to bed after working. I have to get the cigarette smoke out of my hair, and the sticky drink mess off my arms. Then I usually want to decompress with a little news on the TV and a quick look at Facebook.

Once all this happens, I will be crawling into bed around 8 AM. And then, yes, I sleep until at least 3 PM. And, as I said, I don’t get a full 8 hours even in doing so… Really, when it comes right down to it, I’m keeping a schedule just like everyone else… only its tilted backwards by about 9 hours. Get up, go to work, put in 8 or 9 hours, come home, do the at-home thing, then sleep. Get up the next day and do it again.

Nights I don’t work, its possible that my husband plays somewhere. Generally you can knock that arrival-home time back by about an hour (maybe 30 minutes) on those nights. And, honestly, even on nights neither of us work, we end up staying on the same schedule as we would if we were working. Its not that easy to flip flop around. At least its not for me!

Anywhere else, this would be so extremely weird… but not here in Nashville. No, any given night of the week, I could call almost half my phonebook and find the person on the other end awake at 2 or 3 AM. It is almost its own little sub-culture to the city. The night owls. We’re the ones up, watching the neighborhood through the night. We’re the ones there if you just need to get out awhile. We’re the ones keeping the tourists entertained. We’re the ones doing it because we love it. Because it works for us.

We’re not weird. We’re not different. We’re just living our lives one night at a time.

What has been the happiest moment of your life thus far? -Nablopomo Prompt

Life is made up of moments. Happy moments. Sad moments. Indifferent moments. Moments you wish you could get back and change. Moments you wish you could relive over and over and over again.

Picking a happiest moment is HARD, so I am totally cheating. Thought I’d talk about some of my happiest moments — plural — instead. (In no particular order!!)

My Wedding Day — OF COURSE! It fell together so perfectly. There were hiccups, but those just make the day even more special. Those are the ones we laugh about today. We smile about the light rain the fell ever so briefly after the ceremony. We tear up remembering those who couldn’t be there with us (specifically my husband’s Mom). And over all — one of my happiest days of my life. (OK, its THE happiest day!)

Graduation — August 15, 2003. I graduated from Texas A&M University. A dream come true!!!! I am an Aggie and I have the diploma on the wall to show I’m not just a fan. I am alumni!

State winner — Freshmen year. Winning 2nd place in state competition for Headline Writing. SO SURREAL. TOO COOL!

Engagement — Dang seagulls! Distracted me while my now-husband got down on  one knee. AND SO MANY PEOPLE KNEW! How on earth did everyone keep such a secret!? AHHHH! And I didn’t say,”Yes.” No. I said, “Of course.”

It’s that moment its all just perfect — Its a fleeting moment I remember from high school. When our half-time performance just CLICKED. It felt great. You knew it WAS great. And it ended with a standing ovation from a crowd that usually couldn’t care less about the band. Oh what a RUSH!

It’s a boy! Then it’s a girl! –  My nephew and my niece are soooo lights in my world. I look forward to having my own kids, but until this… I’ll just try to spoil these two as much as possible!

Just some average day — When I take a day to set all my worries aside. Maybe its a day I can go for a drive in the sunshine, with the windows down. Or maybe its a day on the couch watching the rain fall. It matters none. Sometimes the most average day can be one of the happiest.

I turned 31 years old today. And I have to say… 30 was a good age!

I’d looked forward to my 30s since my mid-20s. I know, weird, right? But I always felt my 30s would be the years that I settled in to life. I figured out where I was headed and got there. It would be my banner decade of life.

And so far? It’s going that direction. In the last 365 days, I’ve suddenly felt a lot of wisdom about things: financially and career-wise. I’ve started to build a confidence in my career goals, and in the same breath I’ve found a want to do anything it takes to get there. Its not the whole, “Oh this is what I want so it should happen right NOW” mindset that I think I had an element of previously. No, now its more, “This is what I want, and I need to learn how to get there… and then DO THAT.”

So, within that fact, my 30s have, already in the first year of it, been a journey of wonderfully positive proportions. In fact at this rate, 31 should be even better! And here is hoping I am right about that.

Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday. Happy Birthday to me!

If you’d asked me before this weekend if I was afraid to go on a long ride on the back of a bike, I’d have probably not given you much of an answer. Or, I’d have given you a much longer answer than you wanted.

I’m not afraid. Its just not high on my list of things to do. As in, not even on my bucket list to be knocked off it.

HOWEVER.

I married a man who happens to love motorcycles. Who has had bad accidents on them, and yet still wants to get right back on. There’s something admirable about that… not letting anything stop him from doing something he loves.

Not even a wife who practically wanted to burst into tears over plans to go riding yesterday. Because that “just not interested” turned out to be, “Scared to death.”

When a friend offered us his bike for the afternoon, my husband became more excited than anyone’s kids after Halloween, staring at a big bowl of candy. I couldn’t not go. I couldn’t deny him this excitement. He wanted to share this big part of himself with me, and I appreciated that more than I could share under the quivering, shaking, terrified child I became.

We went to pick up the bike. We got bundled up (since even though it was upper 60s, it would be chilly on the bike), my husband plopped a helmet on my head and… I swung a leg over and had a death grip on my husband as we took off.

We hooked up with some friends to go riding together, and off we went hitting back roads around Nashville. It took awhile, but I slowly released the death grip I had on Hubby’s jacket. I even got confident enough to dig out my phone and take a few photos.

Half-way through our travels, we stopped to have a light lunch together. Fighting daylight, we didn’t linger long before we took off again. Getting back on the bike, I figured out a more comfortable way to sit, and my confidence went even higher.

As the sun started to set (darn time change), it started to get chilly. We stopped to stretch our legs for a moment and come up with a plan. We headed for a local bar for a post-ride drink before calling it a night.

I faced a fear, and I conquered it. I have to thank my husband for being so adamant we were going, despite my fears. I didn’t fall off. We didn’t crash. We only  had ONE vehicle ignore a Yield sign and pull out in front of us — but then, that happens ALL THE TIME here, so it was just annoying versus scary. I didn’t freeze. And… dare I say it? I had fun.

Yes. I had fun. There. I said it.

I. Had. Fun.

And I will be happy to do it again sometime.

The other night, on our way home from downtown, I (admittedly out of the blue) went, “I am so happy with my life.”

My husband was happy to hear that, but at the same time was rather baffled by my statement. Where did it come from?

It came from taking a step back for awhile, and taking stock of things. I looked around at other’s lives and realized I am where I am supposed to be. I’m in no way knocking anyone else’s life!! No, don’t get me wrong there. If anything, I could be accused of, now and then, watching others and thinking, “Why am I not doing that?” or, “Man that looks like fun.” or, “I want that.” Face it, we all do that. There’s that whole grass is greener thing that happens to us all.

But that night, I sat back and realized how happy I am to just be me. To be married to my husband. To be living where I live. To do the work I do. To dream the dreams I dream. To have the friends I have. To have a wonderful family. I am thankful for all I have to show for what I’ve done in my life. I’m thankful for the places I can show you where I’ve thoroughly screwed up… because those are lessons that have also helped shape me and my life.

I am right where I am supposed to be for me right now.

There is a wonderful peace in that realization. There’s a wonderful happiness in it. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. For every thing I take for granted, there is quite possibly someone else who is wishing for that same thing.

Love the life you have. Live it to its fullest. Strive for the next big thing, but also be completely be happy in the moment you are in right now.

I sure am.