Musician's Widow

My husband and his "other woman"

I noticed yesterday that I had a hit on this blog with the search, “musicians love music more than spouce.” Yeah, I didn’t fix the spelling. Keepin’ it real here.

That really made me stop. It really made me a little sad. It really made me want to share my point of view on that.

There was a period of time when my husband and I were dating that I thought that myself. In fact, for awhile it made things easier to think, “The music comes first. And I come second.” Deep down, I spent a lot of time wrestling with that thought and the feelings that accompanied it. Was I okay with that? Was that even true?

Here I am, four and a half years into our marriage, and I realize that thought I had couldn’t be further from the truth. And maybe… maybe I can help the person who did that search come to realize what I’ve come to realize.

Music isn’t something my husband loves. No, its simply a part of who he is. Music is in his soul. It’s as much a part of him as is his arms and legs. It’s practically in his DNA. He needs it like he needs air and water. Even if he were to quit the music tomorrow, he’d still play. He’d still pick apart songs on the radio. He’d still tune my voice out to listen to whatever is being piped through the little speakers in a restaurant.

It’s not that he loves music more than me. It’s that the music is a part of him. And it is in that fact, that I love the music, too.  I have always loved music, but I love it in a different way today. It is a part of our life — at times it IS our life — because its just who he is.

We have a running joke that his Leslie speaker is his “other woman.”  And that I bought her for him. He sees her more than he sees me these days. It’s a lighthearted humor we have in this crazy life.

We’ve talked at length about how WE come before the music. We’ve at least once faced the possibility of walking away from the music, because we thought it was what we needed. Thankfully? Unseen forces threw us right back into the life… wild, crazy, wacky and stressful as it is. I am thankful. Because its just a part of who my husband is… dare I say he is most alive when he’s on stage and everything is clicking. Harmonies, mixes, his piano sound, the Leslie is singing… even when he’s exhausted there’s the light in his eyes.

Simply put, music is a huge part of the man I fell in love with and married. It doesn’t come first, because for a musician… it is not a thing TO come first.

YOU, their spouse, come first. You keep them grounded. You give them the momentum and reason to keep going. Support them. Love them. Love the music. And you’ll find a beautiful harmony in your life.

Last Thursday, I was flipping through my parent’s copy of my hometown newspaper. My eyes landed on a headline that the Glenn Miller Orchestra would be coming to town in a week.

I. Had. To. Go.

For one thing, I do happen to have a love for “big band” music. I was in band in high school (I was pretty good, too!) so my appreciation for the music is more than just enjoying it, but for the dynamics of playing it. For another, I didn’t even know the Glenn Miller Orchestra existed still, much less that they toured!

I was geeking out in the best possible way. Ever. A fact that friends pointed out to me rather gleefully.

I couldn’t wait to tell my husband about it, to which he was instantly sad to not be here in Texas with me to go as well. (Even if he’d been here this last week, he wouldn’t have made it due to his having to be back in Nashville to catch the bus to a gig himself in a day!) Tickets were only $10… $10!! I figured I had better purchase in advance, surely they’d sell out. It’s GLENN MILLER ORCHESTRA!

So, on Monday, I made sure to make it to the Chamber of Commerce office to purchase tickets for myself and my parents to attend. I told the woman at the desk that, “I am SO STINKIN’ EXCITED!”

I got in the truck after obtaining the tickets and immediately posted to Twitter: I can not wait!! http://picplz.com/n5WX

I suppose I’ve already conveyed my ridiculous amounts of excitement by now, but… this was special. I go to a lot of concerts. I see a lot of live music. This was DIFFERENT.

“A band ought to have a sound all of its own. It ought to have a personality.” – Glenn Miller

Thank you, Glenn. That’s exactly it. This was going to be a night with a band with a personality. A band that harkened back to days when things were both simpler and harder. It would be music that was pure. No auto tuning. No tracks. These would be musicians who knew their instrument. Who were showing a talent that comes from years of practice, diligence, love and respect for the music itself.

Yesterday came with a terrible cold front hitting the area. A layer of ice covered everything as the sun came up on the day that I’d been so excited for for a week. At noon, the temperature was 22° with a wind chill of 7º. I prayed that the show wouldn’t be canceled or rescheduled. It didn’t make sense for it to be, but you just never know sometimes…

Luckily, the sun came out mid-afternoon, and what ice remained melted under its rays. I found my ability to concentrate going South.

Finally, it came time to go to the show. It was at the Cameron ISD Performing Arts Center. (Everyone can thank me now for putting it in Foursquare as of last night.) I’d only been there once or twice before; it was built long after I graduated from C.H. Yoe High School. It’s a gorgeous facility, and it beats the heck out of shows in the old cold gymnasium!

My parents and I grabbed front row seats, because I absolutely had to take photos. (DUH!) We (okay, fine, I) waited impatiently for the music to start. The theater was no where near as full as I assumed it would be. Cold temperatures kept a lot of people home, I am sure. Being married to a musician, I understand how much the audience can affect a performance, and my heart sank a little to see such a small crowd. I hoped the musicians didn’t think they weren’t appreciated. I hoped they wouldn’t regret their coming to this small town.

Finally, it was time. The band took the stage, and I was instantly impressed. Musicians played multiple instruments. They all wore suits and ties. Every single one clean cut and total professionals.

REFRESHING change from what I usually encounter at live music shows.

At one point, band leader, Gary Tole, commented how the cold weather does make it harder on the instruments, but being professionals they all know how to compensate for it.

Professionals. I found myself nodding along. That’s what made these 19 individuals on stage are the cream of the crop. I found myself wondering about auditions they went through to get their jobs. I found myself wondering about any spouses they have left behind at home, waiting to hear how the night went. I wondered what they would say about this night’s show… what could have been done to make it better for THEM.

Because for the audience? It was almost magical. I text messaged with my husband, sending him photos via cell phone through the evening. I was so blown away, and couldn’t wait to fill him in on it until after the show. (So I didn’t wait. Ha!)

I found myself being transported to a time that I never lived. “Moonlight Serenade,” “In the Mood,” “Chattanooga Choo Choo,” “Goody Goody,” “Elmer’s Tune,” and countless others. A medley of armed forces tunes, during which veterans were honored and invited to stand, brought tears to the eyes. For two hours (minus one short intermission), the band entertained our small crowd.

I wondered if there would be vocalists, and there were. Brian Hemstock and Valerie Duke each took turns singing songs of yesteryear. I found myself appreciating every word and lyric more than usual. These fantastic singers who sing for the love of the music, not for the fame.

“Taylor Swift, eat your heart out,” I thought as Valerie nailed one particular note.  You don’t need costumes and video walls to put on a great performance. You just need confidence and talent and poise.

The night ended with a gorgeous rendition of “America the Beautiful.” The standing ovation, small as it was, was well deserved. I wanted to stand ON my chair to applaud. But I thought the powers that be at CISD might frown on it.

As we left, one woman commented that she almost didn’t come due to the cold. But she couldn’t have been happier than she braved the elements to come out.

I am SOOO hoping they come close to Nashville some day. My husband and I might have to drive to Chattanooga later this year otherwise! If you get a chance to see them? GO! Check out their tour schedule at http://www.glennmillerorchestra.com/itinerary.html and go like them on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/glennmillerorchestra.

OH? By the way. Those $10 tickets? A steal. The show was priceless.

Thanks for coming to little ol’ Cameron, Texas, Glenn Miller Orchestra! Come back some time. (Or… you know… Nashville would rock, too. teehee)

Last night, I worked in a bar downtown. Our entertainment for the night brought a lot of promise, and we were anticipating a good night. What we got, however, was someone who really didn’t seem to know how gigs in bars in Nashville work. This artist was green. And I venture a guess that they got the gig through a friend of a friend.

Still today, I am stewing over how the night went, and its in hindsight that I wish I could have pulled the person aside to give them a little advice for future gigs in Nashville. I speak from the perspective of a musician’s wife as well as a bar employee.

My advice would have been:

First and foremost, the bar relies on you just as much as you rely on the bar. It is a symbiotic relationship. Realize this fact alone, and you’ll already be on your way.

– Even when the bar is empty, play like its full. This is HARD to do, I know. My utmost respect especially goes to those musicians who do an acoustic set — just them and their guitar — to an empty bar… and they sing every song like its to a crowd of 1,000. Why do you do that? Because when customers come in the door, they are going to size you up in about 15 seconds right along with the vibe of the bar. “Do I want to listen to this? Am I interested?” If you are just goofing off or treating it like a glorified rehearsal, your potential crowd will never happen. You’ll run them off before they come in the door.

– Remind the crowd to take care of their bartenders. If the bar serves food, mention that as well. A lot of times, a person is new and might not know what all is offered at the bar. As for “take care of your bartenders” — well, take care of them, and they take care of you. You’ll get your beer a little faster, etc. Again, you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.

– Come prepared to do a four hour set, but also know how to fly by the seat of your pants.

– Encourage people to buy a drink. Even if its just one. The register ringing means the bar stays open and you keep a place to play. Ignore that fact, and you’ll find yourself scrambling to find a bar willing to bring you on to play. If you aren’t an asset to them, they won’t want you.

The other symbiotic relationship is that of the lead singer and the band. You rely on them just as much as they rely on you.

– Introduce them. Acknowledge them. Let them stand out on their own… they are trying to make it in this business, too. Give them a chance.

– Tips are split among everyone on stage. Do NOT pocket all the tips yourself. They worked just as hard (if not harder in some cases) than you did for those tips.

– Treat them with respect in general. Word gets around who the “problem artists” are, and you may find yourself hard pressed to find really good musicians willing to work with you.

Come hang out and watch other acts prior to your show. You can learn a lot by just watching and keeping your eyes and ears open. Also, go visit The Nashville Musician’s Survival Guide. He can tell you even more tips that are far more technical that what I can share. I’m simply sharing what I’ve witnessed and experienced. When I go to work downtown, I look forward to hearing good music as I work. When the music is sub-par, the night is long and I get cranky. I’m STILL cranky from last night, in fact. Truly, that is because what went wrong last should not have happened. It’s fundamentals of Nashville musicianship. If you don’t have those… you don’t have a chance.

CMA Fest wrapped up three four days ago, and I think everyone has recovered. Or at least close to recovered. Nashville got a much needed shot in the arm economically, and country music fans got a much needed chance to meet their favorite stars. It was a win/win week.

Well. Except for the heat. And the lack of parking. But otherwise, it was great!

Music fans enjoy free shows at the Riverfront Stages

For me, this was the first year since moving to Nashville that I didn’t have to be down at CMA Fest, either to work or to see my husband play. So, while every day I intended to go downtown, every day something more pressing came up close to home. However, Sunday, I made it a priority to go see what this year’s CMA Fest had to offer.

I had heard the nightmare stories about parking being non-existent from friends, but by Sunday things had died down some. Parking was no problem, much to my delight. However, the heat was just as bad as I had heard it was.

I was born and raised in Texas. I can “take” the heat. However, despite drinking plenty of water and wearing a loose sundress, the heat did start to get to me after awhile. It made me shorten my time at CMA Fest dramatically, in fact.

This guy wanted to save souls. All he did was get on nerves.

However, here’s the thing I love about CMA Fest: people watching. Mostly, its watching the families that are out doing this big event together. On one corner, a man had a microphone preaching about how everyone there was going to go to hell, and how everyone there is a sinner for even being there! I briefly wanted to ask the man what he thought was so bad about families going out to an event together and enjoying an afternoon together? I could see no harm in it whatsoever! It was amazing to me to see so many teens and kids NOT buried in a video game.

My husband and I both mused, though, at one point after he had walked along the Riverfront, down Broadway to Bridgestone Arena, and then over to Shelby Street Bridge: for once it was pure country coming out of all the bars on Broadway… and on the big stages was… well… “Rockin’ Country” I guess you’d call it. In other words, music that was only called country because they brought a fiddle or a steel player along. Not because it was actually what we would define as country. But, hey, I learned a long time ago… the music business is my life. It doesn’t mean I can always make sense of it!

That being said, there is one thing I do understand: music fans love their music. And that was what it was all about, no matter what. A love of music and a chance to experience a very cool festival that happens only once a year.

Me and George Strait! haha!!

My husband and I went to one of our favorite “watering holes” to cool down after walking around for awhile. We’ve become regulars there, so we stopped to visit with the bartender for awhile. I asked him how the week had been, and he said simply, “Amazing.” He couldn’t get over how incredibly nice everyone had been all week, and they had definitely had a good week sales-wise!

“You hear horror stories all year about CMA Fest,” he said. “But I don’t know what that was all about. Everyone who came in this place was great. They all have great stories, and they’re all just so happy to be here. I’ve loved it!”

I love it, too, and I’m sorry I didn’t make it down for more of the events this year. A friend is talking about coming to CMA Fest next year, and I hope she does! It’ll give me an excellent excuse to go, too.

Yes it was incredibly hot. Like I briefly said, I cut my time downtown short due to the heat getting to me. And parking downtown is a pain even on a quiet weekend. But at the end of it all… CMA Fest is just a cool thing country music and Nashville does for its fans. I love that fact. I love this city. So, you know, I’m already looking forward to next year!

Two nights ago, my husband played at Big Valley Jamboree in Camrose, Alberta, Canada. This in and of itself is pretty mundane. Tonight, though, its noteworthy as today a storm hit the festival and the main stage collapsed. As of right now, one has been confirmed with 60 others hurt. Billy Currington was finishing his set when it happened.

When I heard the news, I was literally in shock for a moment. Because on certain levels you really think it just can’t… won’t… happen.

How many times has my husband told me about their being in tornado watches and warnings. Trying to outrun storms in the bus. Etc. And every time they seem to get out unscathed. You slowly start to build this feeling of invincibility. Then… it does happen. The storm hits. And even though my husband wasn’t there tonight, it still hit far too close to home. It could have very easily been him scrambling off that stage. I had to hear his voice after wards.

Beyond that, though, the music community (especially the Nashville music community) really is like a family. Think of it kind of like a family tree, with all these little families making it up. And a branch of that tree suffered a very close call tonight. I worry for them all out there, and I send a prayer up that they all make it back home to their families safely every run.

Sidebar: I also find myself thinking about gear and equipment. This would have been a good time to be using backline, no? haha  Not a time to laugh, but I admit, the thought crossed my mind. For musicians, their equipment is their livelihood… its like a computer is to a data entry specialist. They need it to do their jobs. Stage collapse can spell being sidelined in your line of work if your equipment is damaged in the event.

Like me, I’m sure there was that element of belief in everyone affected today that it just can’t happen. I guess this proved… it can and does happen. You just never know…

Article on the event:  http://www.edmontonsun.com/news/alberta/2009/08/01/10337516.html

Something I love about Nashville: the music community is SUCH “a small town.” Instead of six degrees of separation, if you have any connection to the community you are at most three degrees separation from any given person. It’s why I can go into any live music venue and find someone who knows someone I know, and within that fact I feel perfectly comfortable.

It is also within that fact, that the loss of a musician is felt in this ripple effect, as word gets out about the loss.

On Monday, the Nashville music community lost a member who touched a lot of lives. Brian Steele will forever be remember to me as the guy with the smile that never ended. The room lit up when he walked in, usually because of his bright smile that went from ear to ear. I never got to know him even half as well as many others did, but he always went out of his way to speak to me and give me a hug. Something I always appreciated but perhaps took for granted.

One night not that long ago, I was wearing a Jagermeister t-shirt that my husband bought for me at a benefit for Brian after a motorcycle accident in September of last year. Brian was wearing a matching shirt and made sure to come over and point it out to me. We had a great laugh over that… I think when we have his memorial, I’ll have to wear that shirt to it. I think Brian would like that, and probably get yet another laugh about it.

Everyone I know that had the opportunity to play with him refers to him as one of the best drummers they ever had a chance to work with. And his love for motorcycles was undeniable. Its why many take comfort knowing he died doing one of his loves on his way to his other love.

I’ve been amazed to witness the way the music community has come together to remember Brian. Tuesday night, at the Fiddle & Steel, I found myself witnessing quite the gathering of musicians and those connected in the community. People I usually only see down on Broadway appeared. People I’ve not seen in months. It was like the whole family showed up. Everyone banned together to support each other and to remember.

The music community is a small town. A family. The grief over this loss is like a heavy veil that is hanging over everyone. Every night when we all part ways, there’s a sincere, “Be careful going home,” offered.

We’re all taking stock of our family and friends; counting our blessings. Hugs are not being taken for grated. And even strangers — tourists to our city — are holding out a hand asking if there is anything they can do. This city. This community. It amazes me regularly with how large everyone’s hearts are.

I like to think, that Brian is looking down on all of us with his drumsticks in hand, ordering everyone a round of Crown. Here’s to Brian… A kind soul who made a bigger impact on this community than he probably ever knew.