Musician's Widow

My husband and his "other woman"

I noticed yesterday that I had a hit on this blog with the search, “musicians love music more than spouce.” Yeah, I didn’t fix the spelling. Keepin’ it real here.

That really made me stop. It really made me a little sad. It really made me want to share my point of view on that.

There was a period of time when my husband and I were dating that I thought that myself. In fact, for awhile it made things easier to think, “The music comes first. And I come second.” Deep down, I spent a lot of time wrestling with that thought and the feelings that accompanied it. Was I okay with that? Was that even true?

Here I am, four and a half years into our marriage, and I realize that thought I had couldn’t be further from the truth. And maybe… maybe I can help the person who did that search come to realize what I’ve come to realize.

Music isn’t something my husband loves. No, its simply a part of who he is. Music is in his soul. It’s as much a part of him as is his arms and legs. It’s practically in his DNA. He needs it like he needs air and water. Even if he were to quit the music tomorrow, he’d still play. He’d still pick apart songs on the radio. He’d still tune my voice out to listen to whatever is being piped through the little speakers in a restaurant.

It’s not that he loves music more than me. It’s that the music is a part of him. And it is in that fact, that I love the music, too.  I have always loved music, but I love it in a different way today. It is a part of our life — at times it IS our life — because its just who he is.

We have a running joke that his Leslie speaker is his “other woman.”  And that I bought her for him. He sees her more than he sees me these days. It’s a lighthearted humor we have in this crazy life.

We’ve talked at length about how WE come before the music. We’ve at least once faced the possibility of walking away from the music, because we thought it was what we needed. Thankfully? Unseen forces threw us right back into the life… wild, crazy, wacky and stressful as it is. I am thankful. Because its just a part of who my husband is… dare I say he is most alive when he’s on stage and everything is clicking. Harmonies, mixes, his piano sound, the Leslie is singing… even when he’s exhausted there’s the light in his eyes.

Simply put, music is a huge part of the man I fell in love with and married. It doesn’t come first, because for a musician… it is not a thing TO come first.

YOU, their spouse, come first. You keep them grounded. You give them the momentum and reason to keep going. Support them. Love them. Love the music. And you’ll find a beautiful harmony in your life.

I attended my cousin’s bridal shower today. During the shower, we were asked to write marriage advice for the young couple on a note card to later be placed in a book.

Here was my submission:

I joked that I was going to write, “Don’t do it!” which usually garners big chuckles. I’d never truly write that. I love being married and wouldn’t trade my life for anything!

When I got married, we didn’t do any “give the couple advice” thing, but I’ve been to enough showers that did to get an idea that the advice (amount and depth!) changes with how many years you’ve been married, or if you’ve been married at all. So… that being said. What would YOUR advice be to a new young couple… and perhaps tell what is your “status?” Would love to see what others have to say!

In continuation of yesterday’s, “I went to the movies” post, what I went to see was the movie Bridesmaids. I really didn’t know much about it except that a lot of people on Twitter feed were going to see it, and that they all had a different opinion about if it was good/bad/ugly.

A big reason I opted to go to the movie (because, seriously, that whole Twitter feed thing happens every weekend, but the movies never even really register with me) is because this is a year of weddings for me and my husband. I am SO GLAD so many of our friends and family have found the loves of their lives… I just want to know why they all found them at the same time! ;)

I am in one wedding, and my husband is in another. As such, a day does not go by that I don’t think about someone’s wedding, and so a title like Bridesmaids just screamed, “SEE ME!” So I did.

It was okay. I summed it up on Facebook as, “Hollywood’s version of a wedding with adult language and junior high humor.” So, as I said, it was okay. I think they tried a little TOO hard to get laughs, and the funniest parts were the ones that I think every woman in the theater could relate to having experienced themselves.

Because, seriously… weddings are serious business. And anything serious business is just RIPE for comedy. Oh, when you’re going through it, you can’t laugh. Noooo… the world really MUST stop because you can’t find the perfect garter to wear under your dress. This. Is. TRAGIC.

Then years later you facepalm yourself and wonder what the big deal really was.

The big deal, though, really is how you get from engagement to wedding without alienating everyone around you… because of those serious-tragedies-that-really-aren’t. And THAT, my dear friends, was the part of the movie that rung the most true.

It is so easy to get wrapped up in everything being perfect that you lose sight of the people around you, and the fact that they are the ones that truly matter. You forget that the world does not stop for your wedding, and that every person you’ve surround yourself with in the wedding planning is still living a day-to-day life that can not be put on hold. Watching that movie, there were moments when reality smacked ME in the face, and I looked back on my own wedding planning with a few regrets at how I handled things.

I’m excited for every one of my friends and family members who are getting married this year. I hope they find as much joy and satisfaction in marriage as I have. I can’t wait to hear those “I dos” and watch the bouquet be tossed (thankful I am no longer out there trying to catch it!). I can’t wait to hug the bride and groom and wish them all the best.

Because whether myself or my husband are in the wedding party, a wedding IS a party. Its a celebration of love and a new life beginning. And its in that moment that all the stress of planning, all the no-tragic-tragedies of planning cease to matter and the hurt feelings fade away. It’s in that moment that its all made worth it.

The only rings I wear... all the time.

The other day, my hair kept getting tangled up in my wedding set. As I tried to dry it, I was constantly having to stop and gently try to extract my own hand from my hair as strands got caught between the wedding band and engagement ring. (I have the two soldered together, but there’s a little gap on the top between them.) After about the forth or fifth time, because I have a hard time learning from my mistakes apparently, I finally took my ring off to finish the job without incident.

Once I finally had my hair dry, flat ironed and styled, I picked my ring back up to put it back on my finger. It was then that I looked at it closer and realized it was horribly dirty. I didn’t know when I had last cleaned it!

I dropped the ring into some jewelry cleaning solution, and I was mildly alarmed by how cloudy the solution became immediately. (I later also dropped my college ring in as well, and that REALLY clouded things up!)  I waited the suggested 30 seconds before I fished the ring out and used the little brush that came in the solution on it to get between the stones. The diamonds on my engagement ring are suspended, and the space below them looked terrible!

It’s hard to believe I’ve been wearing the set for over four years now, the engagement ring for over five. As I rinsed the ring off, carefully making sure to remove all the solution from the metal, I couldn’t help but notice a deep scratch down one side.  Part of the area under the stones still didn’t come completely clean, even after I used the brush.

I have to confess, instead of being upset about the blemishes on my prized possession, I instead smiled. I was struck by the symbolism behind those scratches and stains. After four years of marriage, my husband and I have done our battles with life in general. We stand stronger than ever, but with some scratches and stains just the same. Our marriage means even more to us today than it did when it was brand new… just like my rings.

I never knew when that ring went on my finger, “As a symbol of [our] love and commitment” that symbolism would actually grow stronger. I was SO glad I took the time to shine up my favorite pieces of jewelry that day. My husband and I spend a lot of time apart due to work so little things often mean more than normal… in that moment of cleaning my ring, that piece of jewelry meant more than normal to me.

After being out for two weeks, my husband is officially en route to home. In fact, by the time I post this, he should only be 6 hours out.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a-ok with being on my own and his being gone for long periods of time. I’m just out of practice of it, I guess, since its been a long time since he’s been gone for more than maybe four or five days at a time. (Whereas, when we got married, he’d be gone for weeks at a time regularly!)

But: I CAN’T WAIT!

I am so ready for him to be home for a few days.

I’m ready to have to keep his side of the bathroom vanity free of make-up and my curling iron of flat iron.

I’m ready to not be able to sleep in the middle of the bed, with my laptop open to keep me company.

I’m ready to cook full meals for two instead of half-cooking for one. I’m even ready to bicker with him over my little “kitchen rules.”

I’m not ready to give up the driver’s seat of my truck, but, hey, I can’t keep all the fun of that truck for myself.

I’m ready to navigate around his suitcase, be able to get a hug any time I want it, have him come up behind me and scare me to where I get angry and yell at him while he laughs, and to look at all his pictures from this run and hear all his tales.

I’m ready for countless other nuances of married life that disappears when one of us leaves on the run. The wheels on the bus go round-and-round. And I’m excited that they are rolling my way.

I doubt many people know that my husband and I dated long distance literally until about three months before our wedding.

I lived in Central Texas. He lived in Nashville, TN. Our “dating” days (which if you ask me when they began, I wouldn’t be able to tell you) existed in the form of phone calls, late night AIM chat-sessions, and occasional trips between Texas and Tennessee. I scoured his tour schedule for shows within about a six-hour driving radius of where I was.

However, its the long-distance nature of how our relationship started that I credit with why we are both so cool about either of us “going on the road for work” for an extended period of time. It’s just as normal (if not more normal!) as being under the same roof!

Recently, we found ourselves very much in old roles. I’m in Texas working with my parents through tax season, and thus I am in my old bedroom. And I found myself chatting with  my husband on the phone as he drove tour bus. We BOTH commented how it brought back memories.

See, I used to stay up all night long with him on the phone while he drove bus through the night. He has his CDL and is a co-driver on long trips. However, for a period of time, he was the only driver for the artist he worked for. So, he’d drive all night, get to the town they would be doing a show. He’d sleep a few hours. Get up to set up his gear and soundcheck. Eat a little. Grab some more sleep. Get up to do the show. Tear down, load up and head to the next town. To help keep him awake, I’d stay on the phone with him for hours on end.

I don’t know, now, how either of us did it. How he would run on such little sleep, and how I’d stay up all night, get a couple hours of sleep, then go to work. Naps were a friend, I suppose. However, sleep just didn’t seem to matter as much.

I got to see so much of the United States through the phone! Some nights we’d have nothing to talk about other than what he was seeing in front of him on the road. Road construction. Landmarks. He’d have me check the weather ahead if he saw lightening in the distance. I got him lost in Chicago once, trying to be his navigator (because this was before everyone had a GPS). We got good at handling dropped calls when he’d go through a patch of highway that had no cell service.

It was in those long late night hours, when he was chasing headlights and I was laying in the dark in a room lit only by a computer monitor or cell phone screen, that we went from being just good buddies to discovering there was something deeper there.

Today, he has a GPS and doesn’t need me to navigate, but I like to follow along using Google maps. Sometimes I still look ahead for a Pilot or Flying J for him. I’ll still check the weather once in awhile. But mostly, we could be in the truck together. Sitting at times in silence, just enjoying knowing that we’re each on the other end of the line.

Through those years of phone calls and IM chats, we’ve developed an awesome level of communication. We can read each others moods in a word much of the time. We’ve come a long way, but its on that solid base that we build our life. Going back to that role — me in my old bedroom at my parents’ house, again in a dark room lit by a computer monitor, and him chasing headlights taking his turn behind the wheel — reminds us of where we started, and it just seems to make us more solid.

I think all too often, married couples forget what its like to be “new.” They forget what its like to be in that “dating” roll again. Late night chats by phone? Those were dates for me and my husband back in the day. It was neat to go back to that style of dating. I wouldn’t ever want to go back to it full-time! But it made me smile, and it once again made me appreciate us and the life we have.