Musician's Widow

My husband and I live by the motto that everything happens for a reason. We’ve both seen it ring true time and time again, so any time something happens, we put out faith that there’s a reason for it. Oh, when its something “bad” we do our own share of asking, “Why!?” and it’ll get us down for awhile. But in the end, we end up saying, “Everything happens for a reason.”

This week, my blog has fallen rather inactive. Life’s had us dangling by a string, and I had neither the time or interest in writing for awhile. I guess you could flat out say, I was depressed.

First off, its the end of the year. Money gets incredibly tight right now. This year just seems tighter than normal. It gets you down to see people out Christmas shopping, getting gifts for everyone under the sun, when you’re just hoping you can pay your utility bills.

Through the generosity of family, I think we’re going to make it. We are deeply grateful to have family willing to hold out an open hand when we need it most. There are no words for how grateful we are… It’s going to be okay!

Then, though, the news came that we’re going to have to make some changes in where we live. The reasons are personal to the couple we rent our home from, but we found ourselves having to find a new place to live on a short schedule.

I sent an email out to a friend, who, my gut just told me I should contact. He and his wife are kind of like adopted Nashville parents to us (as well as to many others!). Lo and behold, the next day, he had found a mutual friend who was about to put their home up for rent in the next few days. We went to see it, and less than 24 hours after being given notice, we already had somewhere else to go!

No one could believe how it all fell together so perfectly. We needed somewhere to go the same time our friends needed renters. And they are going to work with us as we juggle finances to make the move. Talk about God working in mysterious ways!!

In the end, we believe this will all end up being a blessing in disguise, despite our stress and lack of good sleep for days on end with worry. We still worry here and there, but over it all is a deep gratitude. To our families for their help. To our friends for looking out for us. (Several already volunteering to help us move!) And to God for putting it all together. It’s His plan, and we’re just trying to navigate through it as best we can, living on the faith that everything happens for a reason, and that it will all work out in the end.

Earlier this week, I wrote about how I was not ready for the holidays. However, I am excited to report that I have caught the spirit. At least a little bit. Oh, it wasn’t any sort of miracle moment. It just snuck up on me and I found myself getting into the right frame of mind.

The temperature has dropped, and we had a lovely Thanksgiving. Now I look for houses lit up. I have dug out my Christmas socks, and I’m already planning what to wear to various Christmas events. I have all but two of my Christmas gifts ordered, and I can’t wait to start sneaking Christmas music in here and there.

I’ve decorated the inside of my house as much as we ever decorate. I plan to convince my husband to help me put the lights up outside tomorrow. We have a tree decorating party on Monday, and the Nashville Christmas Parade is Friday. My Christmas cards have arrived, and I hope to get them addressed and in the mail in the next week or two.

Its time. Time for the holidays. I’m sure my spirit of the season will grow as I go along.

As I’ve mentioned in here before, I am Catholic, and my faith is important to me. I don’t post very often about it, opting to keep my blog topics neutral (in general). However, tomorrow is the first Sunday of Advent. As such, the next four Saturdays, I want to end my post with a little reflection for each week leading up to Christmas.

Week 1: HOPE

Hope. Something that I hold on to with both hands every day. Hope for things to improve in one way or another. Hope for peace. Hope for understanding. Hope for forgiveness. Hope for life eternal. Hope for a safe, healthy, happy, beautiful Christmas to come.

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.
Psalms 31:24

Back in July, I read a post in Living in the Moment called Future Unsure. It really resonated with me, and I bookmarked it so I could some day write my own version of that post. Here I am, just over a month from my 30th birthday, and it seems as good a time as any to tackle that post.

Ten years ago, I was a sophomore in college at Temple College. (Yeah, I was a transfer student to Texas A&M, but I bled maroon from birth.) I’d, luckily, already figured out that I didn’t know everything. I used to joke that at 18 I went blonde literally and figuratively. I’d colored my dark blonde/light brown hair to a bright blonde, and around that same time I felt like I went “stupid.”

Perhaps a big part of that was the fact that I had, thanks to exam exemptions through high school, forgotten how to take tests and, beyond that, I had a general “whatever” attitude regarding my grades in school. They wouldn’t transfer as A’s anyway, so why bother?

Herein lies something I’d tell my going-on-20-self: Just because you might not get to keep credit for a job well done, its no excuse to not do your best. Give everything you do your all. If you give everything your all, you’ll always either succeed with greatness or fail miserably, but you’ll be able to solidly stand behind what you did either way. Giving anything only half-yourself, you’ll always wonder if you could have done better. If you could have been the best of the best as opposed to just running with the crowd.

But, as I said, I knew I didn’t know it all, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t think I had it all figured out. See, I knew I would soon be going to Texas A&M and would graduate with a degree in journalism. I also knew I’d some day live in Nashville, TN. I knew I’d one day throw myself towards the dream of writing a book. I got all those things right on the money!

However, I didn’t know my husband yet. I didn’t know I’d be a “musicians widow.” I didn’t know I’d grow disillusioned by the newspaper business. I didn’t know I could actually enjoy working for my parents bookkeeping and tax business. I didn’t know I’d get myself deep in debt. I didn’t know I’d at any point in life feel unsure of myself. I didn’t know I’d end up a cat person. I didn’t know I’d this deeply wish I’d studied photography. I didn’t know that the path I dreamt of could ever change direction and course… and that I’d actually be more than okay with that fact.

With every thing I didn’t know, I’ve learned a lesson and grown. There is one thing I can say for certain: I don’t have a clue what to expect in the next ten years. If I could tell my 20-year-old self another thing, it wouldn’t be all those details I listed. It would simply be: Keep your goals and your dreams alive and chase them with all your might, but know that nothing is guaranteed except for the many twists and turns along the way towards those dreams.

See, at 20, I was career woman extraordinaire. I had a set path that would take me eventually to NYC for a huge journalism career that would eventually wind around down into Nashville… some day. I would live life in power suits, attending big events, rubbing elbows with all the elite people you’d want to meet.

I’ve traded in my power suits for sweats most days, but I keep a healthy selection of business attire for any number of potential meetings or events. I can say I’ve been blessed to still rub elbows with some of the elite people in the music industry. But I tossed NYC off my list of places to live. I’ve realized I’d not be happy there… I’d love to some day visit, but I don’t think it would fit me to live there.

I have a much more down to Earth view of myself. So in the next 10 years, my goals are for us to have a beautiful family, be as debt-free as possible, and to make a solid living with my writing and photography while my husband continues to tickle the ivories for a living. Those are sensible goals and dreams, leaving plenty of opportunity to chase any number of possibilities as they come along the way. Leaving myself room for adventure, learning and growth.

So to my 20 year old self and my 30 year old self: keep the dream, but realize you might not get there along the exact path you think… you’ll get there along the path you’re meant to take, complete with joys, sadness, successes and failures. Embrace that fact, and simply LIVE.

Love, Luck, Living

The phrase “to thine own self be true” has grown to have more and more meaning for me lately. I am quickly learning not to apologize for following my own heart and doing what is best for ME.

Believe it or not, I think this is a fairly hard concept for people to grasp. I’ve said for years that we live in an “all about me” world; one filled with everyone wanting someone else to take the blame for mistakes or everyone wanting to take credit for successes. (I even blame this mentality for the fact that no one uses turn signals anymore!)

However, when it comes to our personal lives and pursuing our heart’s desires, I think so many fall down. We accept that we’re going to fail at our dreams, so why try? Or, almost worse, someone else thinks we should do something else, so to make that person happy, we follow their dreams for us. In other words, we live to make someone else happy. Be it a boss, or a parent, or a friend, or a sibling. Perhaps its a craving for approval that sends so many down this path of unhappiness for self.

I’ve been following the recent upheaval in the college conferences for the last week. Being an Aggie, my concerns are completely focused on what Texas A&M will do when all the dust settles. I am finding that it comes down to one of two things: does A&M go with Texas wherever they go to keep that rivalry alive, or does A&M do its own thing.

Now, I am the biggest fan of traditions. I always believe that we should honor our past, because it has gotten us where we are today. Traditions add an element of stability in an otherwise tumultuous world. Texas A&M thrives on traditions. Our biggest one is probably the rivalry with Texas. Our War Hymn focuses on it. Growing up in Texas, you were either a Longhorn or an Aggie. End of sentence. Those other schools, the ones you might go to when you graduate high school, really didn’t matter. You were still either an Aggie or a Longhorn.

So why is it I sit here today thinking… I would really love to see A&M take its own stance. For the last few days I’ve said, “I’d love to see A&M go to the SEC, but I want the rivalry with Texas to remain alive more.” And I do want that rivalry to continue forward! But as I read the reviews of the changes. As I look at all the cards on the table. My gut screams for A&M to take its own stance. Go the SEC. Take a chance at being greater than, “Texas’ little sister in College Station.” We’ve always held ourselves to a higher standard, and we’ve always claimed to be our own man. Now is our chance to show that to the world.

Perhaps I feel it that strongly, because I find myself at this crossroads myself. And I’ve already chosen the path less traveled.

It’s not a secret. I’ve said it before in here. I’ve said it to friends and family. My husband and I have been financially strapped for awhile now. And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked at job sites, or how many times I’ve lain awake at night thinking I should just go find the first job offered to me. That thought always gives me a sad pause, because I know my dreams. I know my goals. And I know giving in to the path of least resistance is not the way to make those dreams happen. Choosing the quick fix doesn’t take care of my family down the road, nor does it make me truly happy.

Things are looking up

So, I have opted to run forward with my dreams full speed, and as a result I find those dreams running ahead of me. I’m just trying to keep up!

Anyone who has been on my blog on the last couple of days may have noticed a few glitches. Its because I’ve moved my blog to its own domain name (http://www.musicianswidow.com) and, as a friend said, “You’re a brand now!” I guess I am! I’m super excited about all the possibilities that lay ahead of me within all of this.  I’ve also found my confidence in my design work, and its no longer a case of me admitting what I can’t do. Its a case of me saying, “I can figure that out. Lets do it!”

The other night, I was writing an email out to a friend. A “what are you up to?” kind of thing. And as I talked about my dreams and goals, they no longer felt so far away. They felt like they were right here with me. I’m ON that path! I felt an excitement and joy professionally that I’ve not felt in far too long.

I’ve run into people lately that I’ve had the distinct impression weren’t happy with my choice to strike out on my own. I didn’t fit the mold they had imagined for me. Or perhaps I’m just realizing how very pessimistic some people can be. Either way, I walked away from my interactions with these people holding on to an even more determined stance.

I refuse to apologize to anyone for striking out on my own. I refuse to fit someone else’s mold.

I am the best possible me. And at the end of the day, that’s all I can and want to be.

Last week, when I flew from Austin to Nashville, I was treated to an overbooked flight full of small children. I was even that lucky passenger who ended up with the screaming child who kicked the back of my seat the entire flight. I figured I dare not complain, because it’ll be my luck it’ll be MY child screaming and kicking in a few years. I hoped deep down my lack of (visible) irritation might earn me some good karma points for the future.

Prior to boarding, it was pretty impossible to miss the gate crawling with children. I groaned, but soon one family caught my attention. I was afforded some wonderful little-people-watching.

I watched as a dad lead three kids to the windows so they could watch the planes come and go. His brood consisted of two boys, approximately ages 6 and 5, and a little girl who had to be shooting for 2 years old. The mom was no where to be seen for a long time, and I was filled with admiration at the dad’s patience. He was the picture of calm! The two boys were pretty self-sufficient. The little girl, though, was this whirlwind bundle of energy. Dad was constantly trying to let her be free without letting her get away.

At one point, though, things were a bit calmer around the gate, and Dad let the little girl run a little further. Her eyes shined bright and her smile was wide as this big expanse of carpet opened in front of her. Without hesitation, she threw her tiny body in the direction of “freedom” only to quickly get tangled up in her own feet. Down she went.

I waited for the tears to start, but instead this look of shock came over her face. Her mouth going from a smile to a shocked,  “Oh!” She blinked as if she were confused by her fall. Soon, two strong arms scooped her back up to her feet, as Dad lifted her up, set her down, and without hesitation she was off again without fear. This time, she got all the way across the open area.

Right away, I was struck by this realization. Even today, at 29, I’m still that little girl. We all are from time to time.

Life opens up a door, and we look out across this open area. And with bright shining eyes, we run towards it only to get tripped up — often by our feet. We haven’t fully prepared for this opportunity, or perhaps some mistake from the past sneaks up to bite us. Maybe we actually suddenly second-guess our own abilities.

Out of no where, strong arms come to scoop us up. Those arms could literally be a hug (or a bit of advice, or even a loan) from a parent. Perhaps its an encouraging word from a friend. Maybe its even as simple as a smile from a stranger that gives us a boost in our attitude.

However, its in that instant that we have a choice. We can give up and decide instead to ask someone to carry us. Perhaps we can just sit down where we are and give up.  Or we can decide to run. To take that encouragement and aid and decide to run towards our goal and opportunity in our life at full speed, un-afraid of falling again.

I was left sitting for the whole flight chewing on this revelation. How many times have I opted to give up? How many times have I taken the lift up and continued to run? And will I have the nerve to run again and again towards my goals?

I hope any time I think about sitting down and giving up I’ll think about that bright eyed little girl with no fear of falling. Who after falling down, getting up and running across the room continued to be adventurous. Who tripped over luggage and her own feet, only to get up and try again. Who only cried at the top of her lungs when she was strapped back in her stroller, because all she wanted to do was keep going. She was determined to not be stopped.

I want to have that little girl’s energy and ambition.

I will have it.

I heard an article yesterday that a college in Massachusetts is now accepting YouTube videos of students applying for admission.

An excerpt from the story:

“We’re not judging it on the qualities of the production values,” says Lee Coffin, dean of admissions at Tufts. “We’re not looking for Oscar-winning short films. What we’re really hoping to get out of these videos is another part of the puzzles that make up this 17-year-old person.”

I’m glad I didn’t have this kind of pressure on my shoulders when I applied to college!  However, I can’t help but sit and wonder what I’d have done as a video when I was 17. Who I am today and who I was twelve a few years ago are two different people! However, in the same breath, my core values haven’t changed one bit.

First and foremost, I would have to introduce my family. It’s changed some since I was 17. My niece and my husband have both been added to the family since then. More love to go around! I have without a doubt been blessed with the most amazing family. A family that is supportive and loving. A family that laughs together and leans on each other. A family that I can always rely on to be there for me. And one that I will always been here for… they are truly the people who mold me more than anything else.

My faith would also be at the top of the list. My faith and the hope and strength God gives to me is a huge part of who I am. I am not someone who will wear my faith on my sleeve, but I also will not deny it. I will not hold back how much I do lean on it to get me through trials in life.

My faith is stronger today than it was back then.

Home would have to be introduced. Back then, I would have focused on my hometown, and my love for wide open fields and back roads. Today, I would have to show that, but I would also have to put a heavy focus on my city. I absolutely love Nashville and its vibe. I love its melting pot of people, and the wonderful friends I’ve made there.

My school would have to be acknowledged. Back then, high school and the pride I had in my school then. Today, being an Aggie is a bigger part of who I am than anyone could ever understand or truly respect. Digs against my school could very will be considered a dig against me personally. My school is more than its football team. My school is a family in and of itself. I could never ask anyone to understand. All I ever ask is to for it to be respected.

Finally, lots of little quirks make me who I am. Back then, things like yearbook, newspaper, band, flags, CDs and my pick up truck would be who I would introduce. Today, writing, photography, travel, my cats, my home, and a good home-cooked meal would probably be what I add to the mix.

Come to think of it, there would be absolutely no way for me to capture all the things that make me who I am in a way that would be true to myself. I suspect many of those applying for admission are realizing that fact, and are instead taking the catchy route. Sometimes its easier to entertain than it is to study yourself.

But at 17 — heck at ANY age — its not a bad idea to do just that. Take time to consider what it is that makes you who you are, and a step beyond that… how do you portray that to the world?